Just to clarify, the previous post was not about me. For me, having any sort of romantic entanglement, even one my parents didn’t approve of, would be a step up. This was about entirely hypothetical situations about hypothetical people with Day Zero placements (wink, wink).
Okay, enough with the allusions. I’d mentioned that I was surprised more people weren’t estranged from their families. Yes, you’d need a fifteen-lakh-a-year consultant job if you were giving up a reasonably large family business, but if the opportunity cost was only family savings, or a small shop, then a software or BPO job would surely give you enough money to compensate. So why don’t we see more estranged families?
In the style of the inimitable Tyler Cowen, I’m going to list possible reasons. As always, you get to tell me which ones are likely, which ones are unlikely, and what I’ve missed in the comments.
- There are very few estrangements because there is very little cause for estrangement. By and large, people will only marry somebody their parents do approve of. This could be because they never get the opportunity to meet someone ‘unsuitable’, or because of cultural indoctrination against rocking the boat.
- People don’t think too far ahead when considering the consequences of their decisions. Although in the long term, the eloping kid has the upper hand as parents will depend on him or her for financial support, people will be concerned more with the immediate consequences.
- Alternately, people might think that far ahead, but the upper hand might not be so important, especially if the eloping kid has brothers or sisters who can take up that role.
- The probability that marrying someone unsuitable will lead to estrangement is greatly exaggerated by popular culture. In reality, parents will probably accept the marriage grudgingly. This could be because:
- In the most mercenary case, the parents look far ahead, and see that estrangement could lead to their not having anybody to rely on in their old age- and if the kid is a partner at an i-bank or a consultancy by then, that could be a strong missed opportunity.
- Alternately, if the parents have a family business, then chucking out the heir might mean that they’d have to turn to someone less trusted to run it. What’s an unsuitable daughter-in-law compared to watching your family business going down the tubes?
- Even if there are no financial considerations, and all the parents are worried about is what people will think, it doesn’t make a difference. If people look down at you because your kid’s married someone from another caste or religion (or whatever), then they’ll look down at you whether you’ve chucked the kid out or not. Societal oppobrium might be worse if you throw the kid out- you’ll always be known as the estranged family, while there’s always a chance that the kid-in-law might charm everyone and sweep them off their feet.
I think Reason 1 describes most ‘suitable’ marriages, while Reason 4 will account for most ‘unsuitable’ ones. What are your comments?
The most important reason for #4, or “unsuitable” marriages and eventually family “coming around” is: Grandchildren. I have been witness to a number of marriages where the family was, whatchamacallit, “miffed”. Once the couple have had children, most of them now in that age where cuteness is the order of the day, parents have suddenly erased the past with a mighty backspace key and are into babysitting without a fee.
In today’s age liquidity and M&A is a lot more attractive to family oriented businesses – sell out at the peak, and use the money to enjaay remaining days. I knows few peoples who earlier conservatives family businesses and now, suddenly, have begun to spout keynesian epithets: selling the business is cash in the hand, which is worth more than cash in the bush or whatever you can make of that ridiculous analogy.
And it’s all white now. That makes the difference.
So my take is that going forward, the next generation of day-zero wink, wink kind of people are going to help their parents sell their businesses. If Businessworld is saying Private Equity is here, they want to buy something, no? They’ll buy acquisitions, and fund the acquirers. And good family businesses will have their heirs whet the term sheets and plans and exit strategies and all the management terms earlier known as “bech riya hoon”.
[…] So what’s a girl- and her parents- to do in these days of overheated valuations? That, dear reader, will be the subject of several upcoming posts. These two rumours have gotten me thinking about dowry as a concept, and there will be lots of blogging on it this week. Until then, do read these somewhat related links: For Love or Money I and For Love or Money II. […]