I need to stop falling for women who’re marrying other people.
Twisted Shout: How Shilpa Shetty Got Kissed
April 17, 2007Our correspondents from all over now report.
Delhi: The national capital witnessed protests against the kiss, organised and led by the Patparganj Punjabi Aunties Association. Asked for a comment, PPAA Secretary General Sheenu Chadha said: ‘Richard Gere has hurt the sentiments of North Indians. How can he come to India and kiss an ugly Madrasi like Shilpa Shetty? Doesn’t he know Punjabi women are the most beautiful? Look at Juhi Chawla, Kareena Kapoor, and Neetu Singh. He should apologise.’
Vadodara: Local social worker Jignesh Shah was at the forefront of protests in Gujjuland. Speaking to reporters at a press conference, Shah said:
‘You all must remember this
a kiss is not just a kiss
a sigh is not just a sigh
The fundamentalist things apply
Richard Gere must die.’
Asked what concrete steps he would take going forward, Shah said that he would file a PIL seeking a stay against Western culture.
Tirupur: Mr. K Sivapathi, managing director of Padma Flag and Effigy Works, said that the controversy had come at the wrong time for the company. ‘We were already utilising maximum capacity thanks to the Jade Goody episode. After the national anthem controversy we had to subcontract effigies of Narayana Murthy out for jobwork. Now we will have to give Richard Gere effigies to jobworkers also which will hurt our margins. We would like to go in for capacity expansion to solve the problem but the high interest rates are making it difficult.’
Kolkata: Support for the kiss came from unexpected quarters. Nitish Singhania, President of the La Martinere’s Boys School’s Interact Club, praised the kiss and said it was an excellent way to spread AIDS awareness, adding ‘The LMB Interact Club is going to encourage all Marts students to kiss each other to raise awareness of AIDS.’ When reminded that none of the LMB students are Shilpa Shetty, or female for that matter, Singhanina replied ‘So?’.
Copenhagen: Danish band Legodeath also came out in support of the kissers. Band frontsman Lars presented the rough outline of a new song on the controversy:
‘who he will kiss
and
who she will kiss
does it matter
to you?
to me?
only their choice
not mine
not yours
we can only long
for all
and only
important
the kiss
of Sweet Death
someday
when will it come?‘
Tucson, Arizona: Rahul Raguram had no comment on the kiss, but praised Legodeath for creating the new genre of Scandinavian Death Smooch Goth.
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Posted by Aadisht
Stocked Out
April 16, 2007Things that just aren’t available in Bangalore: 1 Kg boxes of Good Earth Muesli and 1 Litre packs of Real Activ spinach juice. Why?
This wouldn’t happen if Jesus was in the supermarket meeting my needs.
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Who Needs Morphy Richards?
April 15, 2007Right. The past few weeks I’ve been preoccupied with how to spend my upcoming end-of-year bonus. I’ve already bought a bed and computer table, so my bedroom looks much less like a shantytown than it used to. Once a bookshelf comes in, furnishing will be mostly complete. Joy, no?
But that still leaves the kitchen undone. And with summer about to hit, I would like to be able to make milkshakes, juices, and cold coffee. Clearly, a mixie is called for.
Again, this calls for careful discrimination and planning. Should I purchase a cheap Sumeet or Jalpaan mixie, or should I go in for the pseuder Phillips or Morphy Brown models? This is not merely an economic decision. The Sumeet models look like something aunts would use, while the Morphy Brown Icon Dlx Mixer Grinder (click on through, it’s pretty) makes me gape open mouthed and indulge in Tim-The Toolman-Taylor like grunts of ‘More Power!’
Considering I’m a grossly overpaid MBA, money is hardly a problem. So the Icon Dlx ought to be a shoe-in. Except for the minor problem that my mum drew my attention to: no matter how brutal it is, it won’t juice citrus fruits. That needs a separate juicer. Like this one. Tragedy!
The tragedy is not that I can’t afford the extra kilorupee, but that my kitchen countertop just doesn’t have the space for two machines. I could squeeze it in, but then I wouldn’t be able to squeeze a microwave in a couple of months down the line. Woreshter and woreshter.
So I was in a quandary. Until I saw this rear windshield sticker in my office’s parking lot:
Woohoo! This is the answer! Damn Morphy Richards- what I need is Jesus in the kitchen. Milkshakes- check. Cold coffee- check. Orange Juice- check, baby, check. And if he meets all my needs, he’ll do the dishes and make dinner as well. No need to keep the maids on payroll anymore. Such awesomeness.
Clearly, we all need to let Jesus into our kitchens.
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Why I Hate Children’s Theatre Groups
April 14, 2007Because they are pretentious arseholes who take themselves too seriously.
I ask you, is it possible for anybody to look more earnest and meaningful and yet completely clueless without being a cow? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. What really gets my goat is this: Chilsag In Education.
Puke. Puke. Puke. And let me just say this:
Chilsag in Education! Yeah right! Ooh, we’re so good with kids! Ooh, we build self-confidence! Ooh, we help kids become expressive! Faak you! Your constant meddling is the cause of all suffering. If you left them alone, kids would become quizzers, and attain merit in this life, and be reincarnated as Aiyars. When you corral them into theatre, it’s the exact opposite. They become gay hippies in this life and regress to Bongs in the next.
(Note: Evam is an exception for two reasons: they are Sista’s juniors, and they have Karuna Amarnath)
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The World is a Weird Place
April 14, 2007Three links.
First, via Pharyngula, I discover the worst fantasy story in the world. As the transcriptor writes:
No mere transcription can give the true flavor of the original printing of The Eye of Argon. It was mimeographed with stencils cut on an elite manual typewriter. Many letters were so faint as to be barely readable, others were overstruck, and some that were to be removed never got painted out with correction fluid. Usually, only one space separated sentences, while paragraphs were separated by a blank line and were indented ten spaces. Many words were grotesquely hyphenated. And there were illustrations — I cannot do them justice in mere words, but they were a match for the text.
I can vouch for that. Here’s just one sample:
A gaunt skull faced priest standing at the far side of the altar clutched desperately at his throat, coughing furiously in an attempt to catch his breath. Lurching helplessly to and fro, the acolyte pitched headlong against the gleaming base of a massive jade idol. Writhing agonizedly against the hideous image, foam flecking his chalk white lips, the priest struggled helplessly – – – the victim of an epileptic siezure.
Startled by the barbarians stunning appearance, the chronic fit of their fellow, and the fear that Grignr might be the avantgarde of a conquering force dedicated to the cause of destroying their degenerated cult, the saman momentarily lost their composure. Giving vent to heedless pandemonium, the priests fell easy prey to Grignr’s sweeping arc of crimsoned death and maiming distruction.
Stunning, no?
Next, via DealBreaker, I find what is rumoured to be the HSBC Company Song (mp3, 2.77 MB). Lyrics:
Let’s live it!
H! S! B! C! Live it!We have the HSBC vision
putting what we’ve learned into actionWith focus and commitment
for our customers through passion
Let’s stay number one
With a vision we will run
With a strategy and energy
Together we will be
HSBC you and me
I’m sorry, I can’t go on further. But I’m overjoyed. Go HSBC! What is an extra billion and a half dollars in bad debt provisioning compared to the might of your company song?
Last up, the Simon World blogpost on Nail Houses. Some developer tried to acquire houses, but one guy refused to sell. Check out the picture, you’ll understand.
1 Comment | Arbit Fundaes, Humour, Links, Weirder Than Fiction | Permalink
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It Could Be So Much Worse
April 11, 2007Desipundit is criticised for linking to blogposts of dubious quality. And rightly so. But even they never sink to the levels of Tomorrow.Sg, and link to The Ten Best Toilets in Singapore.
And the King is so much preferable to Singapore’s Number One Blogger. Sample this conversation I had last night about Xiaxue.
Kunal: pink background, variable font sizes, aaaaaargh!!!!
is this creature some manner of celebrity? i notice she mentions 30k readers
Aadisht: She is Singapore’s number one blogger
Like Kiruba
but more pink
Kunal: surely singapore is not that far gone?
look at the bloody snowflakes coming out of her head!
Aadisht: You are unaware of the true horrors of Singapore
The Straits Times is 64 pages long
and like Bombay Times
Imagine 64 pages of supplement as the main paper
Kunal: thats just terrrible!
this is the price of chewing gum-free streets
Aadisht: They are no longer gum free even. The ban is lifted.
Kunal: so its all for nothing?
Aadisht: Well it could be the price of the food
Kunal: the mushing of brains without the safety of goo-free table undersides?
Truly, we are fortunate to live in India.
Leave a Comment » | Blogs and Blogging, GTalk Profundity | Permalink
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Mandira Bedi is in Maxim this month
April 10, 2007Many people will be overjoyed if she stays there.
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Coming to Bombay
April 5, 2007Kind Readers, please note that I will be in Mumbai from Saturday to Monday. My schedule will be a little tight as I have to attend a wedding, catch up with my dad, and meet my boss. But there should still be time to squeeze in a blogger meet.
If you want to meet up, then, in the immortal words of the King, hit me on!
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Cricketers Will Never, Never, Never Be Slaves
April 5, 2007I hope cricket doesn’t follow the same path. Already the game of cricket is more about money than the actual game itself. If this initiative succeeds, it will be only money where the slaves (cricketers playing for the team owners) will fight out for the kings (team owners).
Three posts later, the Jagathguru also says:
The board should make the players pay for their failures. They cannot take their places for granted.
You might conclude that he is advocating that the players be slaves to the board instead of slaves of club or league owners. But that is only because you are free market fundamentalists. You cannot Think Deeply.
Leave a Comment » | Weirder Than Fiction | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht