On Being Boring

January 20, 2010

Nilu claims that being boring is a virtue. And then goes on to write some other nonsense which is completely unrelated.1 But that is irrelevant – the larger point is that it took Nilu two years to come up with a justification for being boring.

Unfortunately, The Mad Momma has pretty much cornered the market on passing off one’s lack of talent or accomplishment as a virtue. And perhaps that only works if your audience is other mommybloggers. And when the puker adopts the method of the pukee, there’s no hope.

In other words – come back theothernilu. All is forgiven.

1: See, I can be condescending without using Latin words.

Which association do you belong to?

January 19, 2010

As an Indian working in Shanghai for over 1.5 years now; running into fellow Indians in the city is quite common. What irks me is the way in which these encounters take place most of the time. The moment another Indian spots you, he/ she starts classifying you in his/ her mind. So a conversation between two Indians transpires in the following manner:

Indian1: Are you from India? (This is important as all South Asians look the same)
Indian 2: Yes, you too?
Indian 1: (smiles) which part of India are you from?
Indian 2: Bombay
Indian 1: Oh, you must be a Maharashtrian; are you part of the Marathi association? I am a Bengali and we are having Durga Puja this week in the Bengali association.
Indian 2: (a bit surprised at the assumption) that’s good; I am not Maharashtrian
Indian 1: (losing patience in the hurry to stereotype) Well then, what are you?
Indian 2: (very tempted to say “I am Indian” knowing that’s not the answer expected) My mother is from Madhya Pradesh and father is a Gujarati from Bombay
Indian 1: Well, that makes you Gujarati! (in an authoritative tone)
Indian 2: If you insist
Indian 1: Then you must join the Gujarati association; heard they have dandiya nights, etc.
Indian 2: (wondering how to explain to Indian 1 that I see myself as Indian and don’t believe in these community associations) Well actually I don’t know how to play dandiya; my friends laugh when I speak Gujarati; I have visited Gujarat only once to see IIMA and my last boyfriend was South Indian!
Indian 1: (not giving up yet) well in that case you may like the South Indian association, Tamil Sangammam, etc
Indian 2: (quite irritated by now at the persistence of the other person to stereotype) Ok, I got to run now; nice meeting you!

I realize how different my family is when I come across these desis who are hell bent on categorizing people as Sindhi, Punjabi, Kashmiri, Bengali, Maharashtrian, Tamilians, Malayalis, Gujaratis, and so on. Why can’t we all be just Indian? And the rate at which the other person (9 out of 10 times) tries to classify you is not funny. Kudos to all those who are marrying people from different parts of India and who speak different languages – this is the surest way to national integration! And it’s high time to have an association for NRIs that says “We are all Indians”.

Also an embarrassing situation occurred when, during a dinner conversation with people from different nationalities; a fellow Indian took it upon herself to explain to the non-desis present there as to how according to her, people from North India are white and people from South India are black!!! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and asked this lady (who is from Kashmir and in her own words, the fairest of all in India) whether she knew that Hema Malini, Aishwarya Rai and many other beautiful and “fair” women in India are South Indians. And she confessed that she didn’t know that Aishwarya Rai is South Indian and then fumbled to give some excuse like she meant people living in South India, etc. Also, she asked me whether I am South Indian and hence offended by this comment. To which I told her I don’t like discrimination on the basis of skin color. Reflecting on this I realized that coming from a family where each member has different levels of melanin, it’s a non-issue for us. While I don’t want to get into skin color and what influences the same; my point is why should we be so stereotypical – aren’t we all Indians? Or is genetics and melanin content going to divide us? In a nation obsessed with fair/ white skin and where matrimonial columns are full of “wanted tall, fair, homely girl”; Aishwarya Rai did the right thing by refusing to endorse a whitening range for L’oreal.

On the whole, the North/ South India divide is the strongest I have seen with people from rest of India calling everyone who lives South of Vindhyas as Madrasis. (I have yet to come across a reverse case wherein everyone who lives in North India could be referred to as a Punjabi for example). Wouldn’t it help if we all were able to accept the others as they are with the differences and actually celebrate the differences instead of using them to draw lines, distinguish and put the other person down? In that sense; to me Bombay has been very cosmopolitan and when I now interact with people from other parts of India; I realize that the regionalism is much stronger in their case. (I know a lot of people would say the “Bombaite” is one stereotype on its own).

There is yet another Indian stereotype around working as a single Indian woman in a city one doesn’t belong to; but I shall leave that for next time.

And the next time another Indian asks me if I am from India, I guess I will think twice before answering as I know what lies ahead!!

P.S. I could write about a lot more instances but just want to highlight the way we think, the regionalism many times being stronger than nationalism!

2010 in Preview

January 2, 2010

2009 was so filled with unpredictable stuff that one should learn from it and give up trying to predict the future. In a world that can throw up Nobel Prizes for Barack Obama, YSR telling jai in a helicopter crash, and the Kolkata Knight Riders captaincy policy, trying to predict the future based on the past is futile, right?

Right! But I’m going to do it anyway. If the one constant in life in change, the other constant in life is that it’s WTF. And every year is more WTF than the previous one. And so, for the fourth year in a row, I present my look at the year ahead.


The year starts off with a bang when Danish band Legodeath changes its concert concept entirely. They ditch both the horse drawn carriage and the burqas embroidered with satanic symbols and announce that they will be performing in the nude with tattoos of satanic symbols. Band frontsman Nils explains with a Goth poem: ‘Over the years/ so many šuffer/ not free to speak/ not free to drink/ now in solidariťy/ we express everything/ show whatever we can/ to gĩve others ħope/ until we are taken/ until they are taken/ by Sweet Mother Death.’ Rahul Raguram flies to Hjørring to attend the first concert. He emerges later weeping tears of joy and gushing ecstatically about the new genre of Hyperborean Naked Free Speech Metal.
In a surprising turn of events, Barack Obama is awarded a lifetime achievement Golden Globe award for his half-hour long campaign ad.
Deciding that if you can’t beat them, you should join them; NDTV Imagine takes on the popularity of Bigg Boss 3 by hiring Amitabh Bachchan to host Rahul Dulhaniya Le Jaayega too. People all over India give up in life when they start seeing twice as many hoardings with Amitabh Bachchan on them.
Suresh Kalmadi insists that the IOC is handling the Commonwealth Games properly and refuses to let the Commonwealth Games Organisation have any representation in India.
The RSS speaks out against Nitin Gadkari, claiming that he does not represent the ethos of the party. Newspaper columnists everywhere write about the BJP being plunged into a crisis. Anusha Sethuraman wisely points out that this is incorrect because the BJP was already in a crisis and could not plunge further.
The Defence Ministry still refuses to release spectrum  for civilian 3G use. Pranab Mukherjee suggests emergency procurement of equipment that works in a different range but this suggestion does not go anywhere. This doesn’t really matter because the Telecom Ministry has still not released the rules for the auction.
N Ram writes an editorial in the Hindu explaining that it is China’s enlightened leadership which allows it to easily allocate spectrum for civilian and military uses.
Shashi Tharoor gets into trouble for posting this tweet: ‘Respectfully congratulate President Obama on his win. Looking forward to having campaign ads for Congress.’ He is attacked by Congress party leaders who accuse him of going against the ethos of ads only featuring the Gandhi family.


As the Thackerays are fighting each other and the BJP is riven with discord, the Shiv Sena, Maharashtra Navnirman Sena, and Bajrang Dal do not actually beat up anybody this Valentine’s Day. The slack is picked up by Baba Ramdev, who preaches non-stop on TV about the evils of Valentine’s Day, the danger of coming into contact with women, and the virtues of celibacy. He is roundly criticised by Danish band Legodeath, who surprise their audience with an improvised song during their latest nude concert: ‘Tell me how/ to bræthe/ and I/ shall accept it/ but not how to lïve/ that is for me/ for the one I love/ and tell me not/ how to die/ for that is the province/ of Sweet Møther Death’. Rahul Raguram is in tears at missing Legodeath’s new composition and only Anusha Sethuraman is able to get him to snap out of depression.
In a surprise twist in the series finale of Rahul Dulhaniya Le Jaayega, Rahul Mahajan rejects all the contestants and the swayamvar is actually won by Barack Obama.
Varun Gandhi ignites controversy once more when he makes a speech where he talks about Muslims with scary beards.
There is immense excitement as the IPL returns to India and the teams come back to their home stadiums. However the excitement is dampened slightly when Suresh Kalmadi insists that the IPL venues be constructed by the IOC without oversight by the BCCI.
There is consternation when Kapil Sibal announces that streams in Class XI and XII will be replaced by electives and students can choose subjects from any stream. This is widely protested by the CBSE, the ICSE, principals associations, and everyone except students for a week, until Kapil Sibal claims that there are no such plans.
Kanchan Gupta writes an editorial in The Pioneer explaining that Kapil Sibal’s statement only proves his point about the Congress’s desire to cross the streams.
Shashi Tharoor gets into trouble for posting the following tweet: ‘Pleased to hear about my colleague Kapil Sibal’s plans. He is doing excellent work for students.’ The Congress high command chastises him for tweeting without first consulting the Congress high command.


The field of private space exploration gets a boost when MTV realises that after taking the Roadies to Thailand, Australia, and then Africa, it has run out of venues on Earth; and so decides to hold the next edition of Roadies in low earth orbit. SpaceShipOne, FalconX, Virgin Galactic, and other such enterprises line up to build a space vessel that will cause the maximum disorientation and nausea in the Roadies.
The spectrum auction faces further complications, as the finance ministry now wants the Telecom Ministry to sell spectrum that is already occupied. Pranab Mukherjee insists that if the government can do it with land, it can do it with spectrum.
The Delhi Metro stretch from Gurgaon to Saket is finally inaugurated, three months late. It turns out that the reason for the delay was that Suresh Kalmadi had been placed in charge of the inauguration ceremony.
The IPL excitement hots up further when Shah Rukh Khan announces that he is selling a stake in the Kolkata Knight Riders to Bappi Lahiri. Encouraged by the sheer awesomeness of Bappida as well as the fact that the winner of the IPL is the worst team in the previous year’s edition, thousands of people bet on KKR to win the trophy. Meanwhile, SET Max decides to sack Mandira Bedi and replace her with Amitabh Bachchan.
In an interview on rediff.com, Chetan Bhagat insists that he writes for the masses and criticises over-intellectual writers like Paulo Coelho. This leads to a five hundred comment flame war between Chetan Bhagat fans, Paulo Coelho fans, and those who are both Chetan Bhagat and Paulo Coelho fans. Amazingly nobody mentions Porkistanis until the 412th comment. A day later Chetan Bhagat reports all the comments supporting Paulo Coelho for abuse to the Rediff moderators and says that he is hurt that his commitment to literature is being questioned.
In order to ease the crisis in the BJP brought about by the RSS’s criticism, the Reddy brothers, and Rajnath Singh’s continuous whining, Nitin Gadkari calls for a chintanbaithak. At the chintanbaithak he gets so frustrated that he quits and hands control back to LK Advani. The RSS angrily accuses him of abandoning the core tenets of the party.
An editorial in The Hindu by N Ram bemoans the Chetan Bhagat controversy and points out that China’s controlled cultural environment prevents literary spats from occurring.
Shashi Tharoor gets in trouble for tweeting ‘Sad to see @chetanbhagat involved in an ugly controversy. Youth icons should decline this mudslinging.’.  The Congress high command accuses him of undermining friendly relations with Brazil, Paulo Coelho’s native country.


The IPL excitement truly hots up, as thousands of spectators turn out to see Shah Rukh Khan, Bappida, Shilpa Shetty, and also the cricket. As predicted, the Kolkata Knight Riders outperform all the other teams and win the final. In view of this, everyone is amazed when at the prize distribution ceremony Lalit Modi awards the championship trophy to Barack Obama.
On his trip back home, Rahul Raguram is aghast when he finds that the Legodeath website does not load in India. He discovers that it has been blocked by the Government of India on grounds of obscenity owing to videos of Legodeath’s nude performances. He immediately decides to mount a legal challenge to the block. Other Legodeath fans are not as temperate and react by throwing shoes at the I&B Minister.
Varun Gandhi makes a speech where he announces that he finds the violent passages in the Quran scary, and immediately draws the ire of news channels and the respect of rediff commentors. Maneka Gandhi immediately rises to his defence.
It is the month in which companies announces their financial results and the Times of India Group declares record profits. It turns out that they have obtained a new income stream, namely Sanjana Jon buying up news space in the Delhi Times, Bombay Times, and all the other supplements in which she gives interviews insisting that Anand Jon is innocent and has been framed. All other newspapers have also done well, thanks to the advertising revenue from all the front page ads Mukesh and Anil Ambani keep taking out.
Students and their parents are shocked and alarmed when they turn up at board exam centres across Delhi only to find Kapil Sibal standing outside insisting that the exam is cancelled.  However the examiner shows up in time and reassures them that Kapil Sibal does not mean what he says.
There is yet another sex scandal involving a temple priest in Tamil Nadu molesting female devotees inside the inner sanctum. Anusha Sethuraman starts a campaign called the Big Sister Campaign to fit temples with CCTV cameras and make the feed publicly viewable. However Suresh Kalmadi opposes this and says that only the IOC should have the authority to oversee the CCTV feeds.
The campaign is also attacked by Kanchan Gupta in a Pioneer editorial for offending the religious sensibilities of Hindus. Later on Kanchan Gupta says that Anusha Sethuraman is only proving his point.
Shashi Tharoor gets into trouble for the following tweet: ‘Passing through the beautiful countryside of Uttar Pradesh. Taken aback at development work.’ Mayawati strongly criticises him for referring to Bundelkhand as Uttar Pradesh.


After working like maniacs to develop a low-cost and uncomfortable space vessel in which the passengers will feel as ill and unpleasant as possible; Virgin Galactic, SpaceShipOne, and FalconX are disappointed to lose the contract forRoadies 8: In Space Nobody Can Hear the Roadies Scream to Air India, which has unbeatable expertise in that area. Pleased that their plans for roadies in space are working out, MTV hires Amitabh Bachchan to host this season.
After a year of unsuccessfully trying to develop the abandoned Tata Motors factory as first an auto parts manufacturing estate and then an Indian Railways site, Mamata Banerjee demands separate statehood for Singur and threatens a fast unto death. The CPI(M) Politburo are all very disappointed when she calls it off.
Legodeath finally responds to the news of their website being blocked in India. Band frontsman Nils issues a statement: ‘So now we join/ the sŵelling ranks/ of the silenced/ standing by Sǎlman/ standing by Husśain/ and in awe to be/ standing with the incŏmparable/ Savitā Bhabhĩ/ yet/ who is the Government of Īndia/ to silence us?/ for is not silence/ the province only/ of Sweet Mōther Death?’ Thanatambourine player Hans and backing growler Astrid also add: ‘Fuŗy rises/ in our brėasts/ now we shall not forgive/ any who silence us/ in the land of plųrality/ where so many prơphets spoke/ we will ensure/ no ścream goes unheard.’ Rahul Raguram is ecstatic at Legodeath’s foray into Tropical Censorship Protest Metal. Everyone else is merely overcome that Astrid has mentioned her breasts.
Despite Kapil Sibal’s best attempts to replace the IITJEE All India Ranks with grades, the IITs announce the ranks after all. It turns out that Barack Obama is AIR-1. The very next day all national newspapers carry advertisements from FIITJEE, Vidya Mandir Classes, Aakash Institute, Brilliant Tutorials, and other such coaching institutes, each of which has a personal testimonial from Barack Obama.
People in Bangalore attempt to take out a protest march over the pathetic state of traffic in the city. Unfortunately due to the pathetic state of traffic in the city, they are unable to march and have to resort to weaving their way through stopped autorickshaws.
Varun Gandhi makes a speech where he says that he finds the prospect of terrorism extremely scary. After he is attacked by news channels for his intemperate comments, Maneka Gandhi goes on air to tell everyone that her son did not do anything wrong.
Faced with a return to the nagging question of what to do about its leadership, the BJP considers internal elections. They are attacked by the RSS for abandoning the core tenets of Hindutva in favour of internal democracy.
The Big Sister Campaign picks up speed when Anusha Sethuraman hits upon the brilliant ploy of getting women all over India to send temple bhattars rakhis. In a circumlocutory editorial in the Hindu, N Ram points out that the Chinese approach to security in religious sites has a lot going for it.
Delhi is afflicted by both soaring temperatures and frequent power cuts by the Anil Ambani controlled BSES. Anilbhai immediately takes out front page ads in the Times of India and Hindustan Times claiming that the power cuts are all Mukeshbhai’s fault, and that Reliance Industries is cheating the exchequer of thousands of crores.
Shashi Tharoor tweets ‘Feel that the RSS is going to oppose Big Sister Campaign as they prefer khaki to rakhi’ and is promptly criticised by the Home Minister for insulting the feelings of the police force.


At the World Tamil Conference, Karunanidhi reverses his earlier position on splitting Tamil Nadu into separate states and now announces that he will in fact ask for Tamil Nadu to be divided into three parts so that Azhagiri, Stalin, and Kanimozhi can each be chief minister of a state. Reporters from the New Indian Express, the Hindu, and the Deccan Chronicle are so taken aback that they completely forget to use the word ‘quipped’ when describing his statement.
Kokilaben Ambani sends Karunanidhi a fax wishing him good luck with his attempts to resolve his succession issues.
In his latest speech, Varun Gandhi attacks MTV for producing Roadies, as he finds space flight extremely scary.
The Met Office announces that the monsoon will be delayed. At first everyone blames this on global warming. Later on it turns out that the actual reason is that Suresh Kalmadi has been placed in charge of the Met Office.
Justice KT Sankaran of the Kerala High Court asks the Kerala Police to investigate if the Big Sister Campaign is being used to facilitate entry of foreigners to the inner sanctum of temples. The Kerala Police says that it isn’t and KT Sanakaran refuses to accept this answer. In his Pioneer editorial, Kanchan Gupta says that this just proves his point.
A year on, confusion over the Unique ID project remains supreme, due to all the conflicting statements over whether it will be a number linking different IDs, a card by itself, or a biometric identifier. When asked what the hell he has been doing all year, Nandan Nilekani explains that he has been busy trying to revert edits to his Wikipedia entry that identify him as the inspiration behind The World is Flat.
The BJP suffers yet another blow when in Karnataka the Reddy brothers threaten to withdraw support to Yeddiyurappa again. Their demands include separate statehood for Bellary, transfer of all land in Chikmaglur to themselves, and reinstatement of the traffic light on the Richmond Circle flyover. The RSS says that this is because the BJP has lost touch with the core ideology of Hindutva.
Meanwhile, the Sports Ministry, already tired of controversies about the Commonwealth Games, decides not to court further controversy over who is included and excluded from this years Arjuna and Drona awards. Nobody gets either award, except Barack Obama, who gets both. Anusha Sethuraman wisely comments that the Arjuna Awards should be renamed the Eklavya awards, looking at how the various sports federations in India keep fucking over their athletes.
The 3G spectrum auction is now seven months late. However this does not stop Indian Apple fanboys from continuing to buy overpriced iPhones.
Shashi Tharoor tweets ‘Karunanidhi is demanding separate states to ensure his issues don’t have succession issues.’ In retaliation, DMK cadres threaten to burn Kerala buses that come into Tamil Nadu. However no violence actually results as the Mallu bus operators are on strike anyway.


In its Summer Deathfest concert, Legodeath unleashes its strongest statement yet in favour of Anusha Sethuraman’s Big Sister Campaign and against its detractors with the following protest song: ‘One stands up/ to protect the rest/ to bring to light/ the misdeeds/ of those who violate/ of those who profane/ for this alone/ she is attacked/ by Ŝankaran/ by Ķanchan/ who demand that none but they/ may decide/ who shall speak/ Embrace me now/ Swěet Motheŕ Đeath.’ The video of the concert is widely shared all over the Internet, thanks mainly to the efforts of Rahul Raguram.
Indira Gandhi International Airport’s Terminal 3 finally opens to the public, to the great joy of frequent fliers who were sick of their aircraft taxiing the length of the runway for forty five minutes after landing. Unfortunately the travelators in the terminal do not work and passengers now have to walk forty-five minutes to get to the exit after getting off the plane. Suresh Kalmadi insists that the IOC can handle the problem by itself.
There are riots in Bangalore when the toll gate on the elevated road to Hosur is opened before the road itself is. However, N Ram insists in a Hindu editorial that the protests were actually quite mild and that the problem has been overexaggerated by the Dalai clique.
As always happens, there is heavy rain in Mumbai and the Milan Subway floods. This is not a big problem, because due to A Raja giving 2G telecom licenses to all and sundry, all telecom operators have put up dinghies there this year. There is also heavy flooding in Bandra (West), but this is not a problem because everyone who lives in Bandra (West) goes to London in July anyway. The only person who is affected is Varun Gandhi, who finds dark clouds very frightening.
Faced with the BJP insisting on elections to resolve its leadership crisis, the RSS reluctantly concedes but insists that it should pick the candidates who stand to ensure that they conform to the core tenets of the party.
Shashi Tharoor gets into trouble after tweeting ‘Upset to see salwar kameezes gaining popularity. Would prefer to see a sari state.’ The Cabinet accuses him of encouraging Varanasi, Kanchipuram, and Pochampalli to demand separate statehood.


A terrorist with more ambition than intelligence tries to blow up a plane by carrying sodium stitched inside his shoes but only suffers severe burns. However air security agencies around the world promptly swing into action and ban footwear on all flights.
There is confusion off the coast of Somalia when American and Indian warships both attack a pirate vessel and are unable to agree on who should claim the credit. Brinda Karat appears on NDTV, where she accuses the Americans of not co-operating and sharing intelligence with the Indian Navy. Amazingly nobody from NDTV points out to her that two years ago her party had opposed Naval co-operation between the United States and India. It is left to Legodeath to make a statement. Band frontsman Nils comments: ‘Abandoned by voţers/ into the đepths/ of irreŀevance/ and yet she appears/ on åir to speak/ to contradict ĥerself/ to make a point/ but why the pőint/ of one who matters/ so little/ even when/ what matters most/ is not here/ not there/ not with me/ not with you/ but only with/ Sweət Mǿther Dëath.’
Love Aaj Kal’s TV rights are released this month, and all the Hindi film and general entertainment channels start running it at prime time. TV viewers are alarmed when they realise that it is  no longer possible to find No Entry on at least one channel any more.
A bitter war of words breaks out between Nitin Gadkari, Arun Jaitley, Sushma Swaraj, Rajnath Singh, and the RSS on how the BJP elections should be conducted. At the end of it all, utter confusion reigns. Even the news channels are unable to explain anything, because they have called in Jaswant Singh to comment and nobody can make out what he is saying through his mumbling.
People in Gujrat decide to jump on to the bandwagon and demand separate statehood for Saurashtra, Kutch, or for that matter any region which is willing to do away with prohibition. They are fiercely criticised by Kanchan Gupta for creating problems for Narendra Modi’s government.
Shashi Tharoor gets into trouble when he tweets: ‘Why must innocents remove footwear all because of one terrorist? Airline rule should be reviewed.’ He is attacked by the disgraced Tamil Nadu priest who points out that one always removes footwear when entering temples and says that Tharoor is attacking Indian culture.


Fed up with Gujjus threatening to split the state, Narendra Modi drops hints about standing for election to the BJP President’s post. In this he is opposed by the RSS, who say that he has lost touch with the core tenets of the party now that he has started demolishing temples on roads. The RSS in turn is mocked by Legodeath, and band frontsman Nils and backing howler Anders  point out: ‘Their own membership thiñning/yet they dictate/ and leave the BJP/ not dýing/ and not in rebirth/ let them part/ let them give/ the BĴP over/ to Sweet Mother Death.’
Varun Gandhi’s speech this month is a terrified monologue about how frightened he was by the dark scenes in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. By now even NDTV24x7 is treating him with pity rather then censure. Zee News of course starts playing Meri Maa from Taare Zameen Par whenever they run footage of Varun Gandhi.
It is the time at which American college starts and many Indian students set out to start their higher education. Kapil Sibal assures them that within two years he will replace their numerical GPAs with letter grades.
Narendra Modi is not the only BJP Chief Minister to face problems. At a press conference, Yeddiyurappa is asked if the traffic signal on the Richmond Circle flyover will ever be restored. When he hesitates over the answer, the journalist throws a shoe at him in frustration.
The Ambani brothers have now been releasing front page advertisements accusing each other of malfeasance for almost a year and a half with nothing to show for it. Anilbhai decides to break the deadlock by hiring Amitabh Bachchan as the ADAG spokesperson. The public is now fed up at having to see even more of him.
N Ram’s Hindu editorial calls for a resolution of the Ambani dispute along the enlightened Chinese lines of socialism with a market face.
Shashi Tharoor tweets ‘On vacation, climbing mountains near Coonoor. This is a very respectable incline.’ Amazingly, nobody takes offence, though a few Twitter users criticise him for not using the tweetsliketharoor hashtag.


The Commonwealth Games finally start, and as everyone was afraid, most of the venues are not ready. Suresh Kalmadi insists that the situation is under control, as at least half the events can take place. For the remaining events, he awards the medals to Barack Obama.
In Bangalore, protests about traffic start gathering momentum. Commuters start demanding separate statehood for the Richmond Circle flyover.
Varun Gandhi makes a bid for the BJP leadership, with the active encouragement of the RSS. However he drops out quickly, explaining that he is scared of having shoes thrown at him.
Everyone is taken aback when Chetan Bhagat attacks Muggesh and Namy Roy, ID and G3, and several other inter-regional couples for stealing the plotline of 2 States and not crediting him or giving him royalties. To Namy Roy’s great disgust, her @replies twitter stream is flooded by tweets of Chetan Bhagat fanboys accusing her of plaigarism, all of which are also retweeted by Chetan Bhagat.
The 3G spectrum auction has still not taken place and A Raja and Pranab Mukherjee are now so furious with each other that MTV attempts to enlist them for Roadies in Space.
After years of anticipation over whether the IPL will expand the number of teams, the suspense ends when Lalit Modi announces that the IPL is taking over Sher-e-Jalandhar and Churchill Brothers and converting them to cricket teams, as nobody watches hockey or football anyway.
Kanchan Gupta expresses bitter disappointment that Varun Gandhi is not standing for internal elections after all, and says that this just proves his point about  how the BJP’s strategists are bastards.
Shashi Tharoor tweets ‘Relieved that FC Kochi not taken over by IPL. Kerala and football go together.’ He is immediately attacked by the Congress High Command for attacking India’s national game. Nobody points out to the Congress high command that the national game is in fact hockey.


After endless struggle, the BJP finally succeeds in holding internal elections for party president. There is so much confusion about who is on the ballot and who is not that the news channels are unable to cope and the statisticians from the cricket channels take over.
The Central Government announces an enquiry into why the Commonwealth Games were so disastrous. Suresh Kalmadi is aggrieved at this, pointing out that the Commonwealth Games went perfectly. He is supported by Kapil Sibal, who says that actually conducting the Games would have led to unnecessary stress, and that the athletes could be given letter grades instead.
Kapil Sibal is so distracted with defending Suresh Kalmadi that he completely forgets to cancel the CAT. The IIMs learn from the disastrous experience of 2009, and replace the computer-based test with a mobile phone-based test. Unfortunately, there are just as many problems, most of which are caused by the fact that 3G mobile data service is not actually available.
Varun Gandhi makes a speech, accompanied by Menaka Gandhi, in which he confesses that he is terrified of cockroaches.
Despite months of activism, Rahul Raguram is unable to get the Legodeath website unblocked and Anusha Sethuraman is unable to get CCTV cameras installed in temple sanctums. However they do not give up hope, especially as they have received encouragement from Legodeath themselves.
During the auction for the Goa and Jalandhar IPL franchises, an enraged football fan throws a shoe at Lalit Modi. Lalit Modi immediately orders him eaten by Rottweilers.
N Ram’s Hindu editorial accuses the football fan of launching an illegal and unprovoked attack on innocent CPI(M) cadres.
Shashi Tharoor is sacked from the cabinet after posting the following tweet: ‘Invited by the Congress High Command to stop tweeting. Respectfully declined.’


Pranab Mukherjee and A Raja agree to settle their differences on MTV Roadies. With the finance minister and communications minister gone, Manmohan Singh puts Suresh Kalmadi in charge of the 3G spectrum auction. Kalmadi’s first action is to appoint Amitabh Bachchan as brand ambassador for the auction.
In a coup, MTV also gets Anilbhai and Mukeshbhai to sign up for Roadies in Space, and settle their differences there.
The BJP internal elections finally conclude. Due to all the confusion at the time of voting, nobody is at all sure who has actually won, so the RSS gives up, follows the trend, and appoints Barack Obama as the BJP President in the hope that he will lead to change.
With the BJP elections out of the way, Varun Gandhi confesses to being afraid of injections, lions, spiders, women, and the sky falling on his head. Maneka Gandhi takes him away for a rest cure. While reporting this, Zee News breaks with tradition and actually uses an English song as backing music – namely, Pink Floyd’s Mother.
The demand for new states suddenly comes to a screeching halt when the Telangana activists have a brainwave and start demanding not separate statehood but SEZ status for all of Telangana. The brilliance of this is noted by everyone campaigning for new states, and they adopt this demand too. However, Kanchan Gupta condemns it as a conspiracy of anti-Hindu interests, while N Ram claims it is a move inspired by the Dalai clique to bring China’s industrial policy into disrepute.
Chetan Bhagat now picks a fight with Kapil Sibal, as Sibal’s attempts to do away with numbers and replace them with letter grades will force Bhagat to change the way he names his books. People on twitter are utterly disgusted with this latest controversy and pretty much give up in life when Kapil Sibal joins twitter to defend himself.
Shashi Tharoor tweets: ‘Glad to see @kapilsibal on twitter. Respectfully wish him a better twitter experience than mine.’
Legodeath hold an end-of-year concert in which they debut a new song: ‘All of you/ are idiots at large/ the Ħigh Ċommand/ suppresses Ŧharoor/ the RSŜ/ runs the BJP to ground/ Ķanchan and Ram/ have their heads up their arses/ just like/ Aʼnil and Mukesh/ the only awesömeness/ we find/ is in/ Rahül and Anushä/ despite all this/ we wish everybody/ a Fabulous Ŋew Ÿear.’