Snacks

February 22, 2009

He has been out of Delhi so long that he has forgotten what weddings there are like. So when the invitation card says 7 pm, he arrives at 7.30. Once there, he discovers that the bride and groom and their relatives are nowhere to be found. He is the only guest over there, apart from one slightly chubby girl who is standing outside and talking on her cellphone. He has a vague suspicion that he has seen the same girl at every wedding he has ever been to, and that she is not actually a guest but a prop that all caterers carry along. Effectively, he is the only person there.

On the bright side of things, this means that Kitty Auntyji is not around. And the catering staff is on time and they are serving tandoori mushrooms and paneer tikkas.

He is slightly outraged. He has shaved on a weekend, put on uncomfortable shoes and ironed a dress shirt, and for all this effort, landed up at an empty banquet hall. It isn’t fair. So he grabs the tikkas from the passing waiters and broods.

When he used to be in Bangalore and go to his friends’ weddings there, Dig weddings would start promptly and end as promptly so that all the guests could move on to lunch. TamBram weddings would also start promptly though they would do this six hours earlier and end with breakfast instead. And moreover they did not impose these ridiculous dress requirements. He used to go in jeans, t-shirt, and stubble, and nobody bothered. He wonders what it is about Delhi weddings that encourages this tardiness.

He suddenly realises that he has already found the answer – in Bangalore, weddings are centred around breakfast or lunch, which cannot be put off. In Delhi, weddings and receptions are held at night, and dinner can be put off to midnight or even further as long as the guests are fed enough snacks uptil then so that they don’t revolt and march off. But this has started a vicious cycle of later and later dinners, and in turn has led to guests and organisers coming later and later. Now it is impossible for any wedding in Delhi to start on time. The snacks which seemed like such a good idea thirty years ago have led to the collapse of punctuality.

It is all the fault of the paneer tikkas that he is standing here out in the cold with nobody talk to. He reflects gloomily on this. And then, because he can’t help it, he has another one.

2 Comments | Racism, Short Story, Society | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht

The Upstart Pink Chaddis

February 21, 2009

Continuing my grand tradition of blogging about things long after they take place, I draw your attention to some astoundingly dumb MSM commentary about the Pink Chaddi Campaign.

First is this Pioneer editorial by Kanchan Gupta. It isn’t even worth a fisk – just three questions:

  1. Did Kanchan Gupta even bother to visit the facebook group before he wrote this?
  2. Does Kanchan Gupta seriously think that the Coalition of Loose etc. Women is actually promoting alcoholism and promiscuity or does he suffer from sarcasm deficiency?
  3. Does Kanchan Gupta even know that something called sarcasm exists?

Then, there was Sagarika Ghose’s editorial in the Hindustan Times (linking to IBN site ‘cos the HT site is throwing errors). After spending a considerable amount of time trying to extract meaning from her ramble, I have concluded that she is accusing the Pink Chaddi Campaign of being frivolous,

Which is why the battle for freedom and the battle for progress must be a sensible and a rational one; it can’t be a trivial battle where we fling coloured underwear at maniacs.

the modern youth of today of flaunting their modernity and youth,

Maybe India’s young instead of trying to be like characters from Sex In The City, should try to emulate Sarojini Naidu and Jawaharlal Nehru. While the ghastly cultural hoodlums must be dealt with sternly by the law and handed out exemplary and speedy punishment, the lifestyle norms we choose, especially in public places, must be attuned somewhat at least to our surroundings.

and for good measure, suggests that everyone follow in the footsteps of the elites of the 1950s.

We must learn from the Nehruvians of the 40s and 50s who were incredibly westernised, but deeply rooted; many of whom were rich but lived modest tasteful lives. They drank, they smoked and they romanced, yet they were discreet and embodied a tradition of Indian elitism that was rooted in both excellence as well as tradition.

I suppose that as the senior editor of a channel which has popularised the SMS poll as a form of discourse, and maniacs screaming at each other as a form of debate, Sagarika Ghose is well placed to comment on the frivolity or triviality of a particular exercise.

As far as the point about flaunting modernity or being discreet is concerned, I think it’s a remarkable idea and should be followed to the hilt. If you are fortunate enough to have liberal parents, or rich enough to own your own farmhouse where your servants can tend to all your guests, you can enjoy your drink. If you’re merely aspiring middle class and need to go to public spaces for your leisure – you know, like most of Sagarika Ghose’s viewers – you should just suppress your urges or you might spark off a revolution. (Note: Ravikiran has plaigarised my blogpost and backdated it. Cheater!)

Anyway, to ward off painful arguments in the comments, let me also say:

  1. The dichotomy of alcoholism-promiscuity / sobriety-traditionalism was started not by the Pink Chaddiers, but by the Ram Sene. In that case, if people respond to it by saying that they’d pick being drunk, promiscuous and ridiculous to being suppressed and not allowed to exercise their freedom, that’s entirely justified.
  2. Yes, the Pink Chaddi Campaign is frivolous. So? Indian public protests are usually trivial and accomplish nothing. At least this one was amusing and creative, which got it much more footage and participation than it would have otherwise. And who’s to say that it won’t be the platform for something much more productive some time down the line? A collection of passionate people has its own value.
  3. In case you plan to use the “how would you feel if it was your sister!” argument, please note that a) I don’t have a sister, b) what my hypothetical sister does on her time is not your concern, c) what my hypothetical sister does on her time is not my concern, either.

Leave a Comment » | MSM, Society | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht

Taking on the Moral Police

February 7, 2009

I tried very hard to make a quis custodiet ipsos custodes joke in the title, but I couldn’t get a decent one. Anyway.

So after the Shri Ram Sene ran amuck in Mangalore, some other people have decided to stand up either against idiots who think culture gives them a free pass to beat up people, or for people who just want to get on with life and be affectionate without being beaten up. So here’s a quick list:

First, the Delhi organisation of the Jammu-based National Panthers Party has announced that it will hit the streets on St. Valentine’s Day and beat up anyone who is annoying couples.

“The party has decided to oppose fundamentalist and communal elements that indulge in moral policing and don’t allow the youth to celebrate the day of red roses,” said Delhi NPP chief Sanjoy Sachdev.

Apart from issuing ‘beat on sight’ orders, the NPP has also sought police help in protecting those who want to celebrate Valentine’s Day. “If red chillies and pepper fail to scare away the obstructers, our activists will resort to judo and karate tactics,” said Sachdeva, the self-appointed patron saint of lovers. “And this will continue till police arrest the trouble makers,” he added.

(Hindustan Times)

Who’s going to police the moral police? The National Panthers, that’s who!

Hari the Kid would like this to become a pan-India thing, and proposes to start off in Bangalore. If you wish to assist, please let him know.

If you are non-violent, then there’s this: Stand Up to Moral Policing, which wants help and volunteers for a peaceful protest march in Delhi. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any idea beyond a protest march, but hopefully that will just be a start.

What if you approve of public display of affection, but also are a fan of Our Glorious Culture? Then this is probably what you should be considering: Kamasutra Day – A Truly Indian Cultural Event. On a side note, it would be awesome if xkcd listed the numerical equivalents and baseball positions for all the Kamasutra and Khajuraho positions.

And if you don’t give a damn about culture, there’s The Coalition of Pubgoing Loose and Forward Women.

Leave a Comment » | Public Policy and Politics, Society | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht

Wasting Your Word Limit

February 7, 2009

Shiv Viswanathan and Sadanand Menon annoy me. They both have columns/ op-eds up about the Mangalore pub incident which hint at some interesting ideas. But these guys can’t seem to realise that writing for newspapers is not the same as academic writing. There’s so academic or generally postmodern jargon in their pieces, that only the most dedicated general reader won’t flee in terror. And even when you have a reader like me who struggles through the piece anyway, there’s a sense of annoyance at the end of it – if there hadn’t been so much jargon, these guys could have spent more of their word limit exploring their genuinely interesting fundaes.

Let’s take a look at Shiv Viswanathan first:

In India, the word ‘culture’ is used in a variety of ways. Culture refers to an identity, an umbilical chord, an epidermis, a pretext for rationalising behaviour, and an everyday habit. It is a second skin. But politicised, it has a different meaning. The historical dictum that nationalism is the last refuge of scoundrels can be extended to culture, which has become the last refuge of every goon wishing to join politics.

This paragraph is just a series of buzzwords. Sure, culture could be an epidermis and an umbilical cord, but how is that relevant to the rest of the article? If I was being charitable to Shiv Viswanathan, I’d think he was writing this in a stream of consciousness style. If I wasn’t, I’d accuse him of faffing.

The park and pub are probably the two public spaces easily available for younger people. Both get disciplined in the name of an imaginary “public” and an imagined “culture”. Let us not dub this as moral policing, a variant of the thought police made legendary by Orwell in 1984. Policing in India is a strange function. Parents, neighbours, peer groups, the crowd, all police you. In fact, policing is performed in India by everyone except police. So moral policing is misleading because it is not an act of censorship. What one witnessed is plain brutality justified in terms of half-baked politics. Beyond exclusion and negation these parties have no programme.

 

This bit is the genuinely interesting one – it has an idea about public spaces, and who actually owns or shares these. But it isn’t built upon. Again, to be fair, it may not have been his main point – he concentrates more on violence and dialogue towards the end – but if he didn’t spend so much time faffing and using jargon he would have more space with which to explore the good ideas.

We face a clash of two limited ideas of culture both claiming a set of virtues. If one claims “freedom” the other claims “duty” and “tradition”. Both are ersatz ideas of culture. Both need a hearing as long as they avoid violence. In fact it is violence that enfeebles the sena idea of culture. The sena idea of politics is what needs to be challenged. Whether as Ram Sene or Shiv Sena, its politics is illiterate and it sees violence as the answer to any dissenting, ethnic, marginal group asserting itself. The police, who probably share these values, watch in complicity. Only the media’s sense of outrage creates it as an event. To legislate on morals and aesthetics through such violence is futile.

(New Indian Express)

Ersatz? Does anybody outside the JNU campus even know what that means? Couldn’t he just have said substitute or phony or proxy? And again, there are far too many repeated statements – he’s saying the same thing over and over again. If there had been an exploration of how the hearing of the two ideas in a non-violent environment was to be conducted, that would actually have been valuable. But no. Shyeah!

Then there’s Sadanand Menon. This is actually one of his less jargon filled pieces. I read his monthly column in Better Photography and my head spins at the language he uses there (and this is a magazine where the majority of the readership probably doesn’t even have English as a first language). But anyway – here are the interesting and the bad bits from his piece:

In Chennai, going to buy liquor from the government controlled TASMAC shops is an utterly anti-civilisational, self-demeaning act. The atmosphere around these shops is filthy beyond description. You have to gingerly manoeuvre your steps between dollops of spit and phlegm, remains of old and fresh vomit, broken bottles, remains of the plastic pouches in which vendors sell kadalai (boiled gram) and pickles, puddles of piss in the corners, drunks lying sprawled in the muck and a general air of depravity and squalor which beggars imagination.

From such a scene of apostasy, which even a Victor Hugo would have been hard put to capture in Les Miserables, to reach say Kathmandu, is a culture shock. Here you can walk into a vegetable or provision store and buy Khukhri Rum at a price that can wean you off water for ever. Or in Panjim, where everything is bright, clean, transparent, open and civilised. Mahe has some of the most stylish and well-designed wine shops.

…

The regime of controls, bans, prohibitions and state monopolies, besides being anti-democratic, never achieves its purpose. It only produces a sort of moral cramping, an aesthetic stunting. Alcohol consumption must be re-invested with the dignity and decency of democratic choice where the State, instead of treating alcohol merely as a source for revenue generation, also acknowledges its potential for mature socialising, conviviality and celebration.

There must also be a parallel movement to offer a peg and a toast to the moral police, which needs to recover the best of Indian civilisation. The dehumanising effects of alcohol (as well as its grotesque retailing) can be offset by the humanising power of freedom and choice and creativity. After all, as Omar Khayyam said, ‘What can a vintner buy, half as precious as what he sells’?

(Business Standard)

So yeah. The idea that the sort of way alcohol consumption is treated in TASMAC makes it even more degrading than regular alcoholism is very interesting. So is the idea that freedom and choice are humanising. That idea is also in complete opposition to the Shiv Viswanathan piece, which pretty much relegates freedom to a secondary status. But despite the interesting idea in there, the language is painful. Why say ‘choice’ when you’ve already said ‘freedom’? Why say ‘moral cramping, an aesthetic stunting’ when you can just say ‘moral and aesthetic cramping’? It’s wasting words on repetition that could be used for exploration instead.

Leave a Comment » | MSM, That L Word | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht

Recession Honeymoon

February 4, 2009

Saileshbhai had been able to get some good out of a bad situation since he was a boy. In those days, his mother used to insist that he drink milk everyday though he hated it. So he would take the glass down to the housing society’s playground and give it to the Kapoor’s Alsatian Jupiter. The Kapoors, who were Punjabi, thought they should have a big dog with a pig name. Pluto was the smallest planet and fit only for Pomeranians. Anyway, after a week of this, he became friendly with the Kapoors, and Cuckoo Aunty started calling him up to have Maggi. In this way the young Sailesh turned milk into Maggi.

He continued to get some good out of everything his whole life. He had bad marks in maths in Class IX, but this meant that he joined maths tuition classes along with Savita Patel, who allowed him to squeeze her breasts. Three years later, Saileshbhai couldn’t get into Narsee Monjee for his B Com. So he enrolled in the nearby Thakur College and used the time he saved commuting to start his business doing wholesale trading of electronics. Now Saileshbhai was the biggest distributor of iPods and Sony Handycams in the Western Suburbs.

But even the current recession had Saileshbhai stumped. Business had dried up. People were so busy paying their home loan EMIs and credit card bills that they were no longer buying consumer electronics. He would lie awake, wondering what good could happen now.

After a month of sleepless nights, Saileshbhai had a brainwave and got into the package tour business. He catered to honeymooners who had to economise because the recession had wiped out their demat account balances. He offered two weeks in Singapore and Penang for five thousand rupees, All Countries of Europe tour (Jain cuisine available) for twelve thousand rupees, and East-to-West America Las Vegas Special for eigtheen thousand rupees.

The competition was stunned. They couldn’t understand how he made any money at those prics. But the honeymooners poured in. The tours were a roaring success. And the honeymooners recommended Sailesh Honeymoon Travels to all other newlyweds they knew.

Saileshbhai had understood his target market. He knew that honeymooners didn’t want to travel, but to show their relatives pictures of themselves in foreign. So he sent them not on Amazing South Africa Tour, but to a guest house in Alibag where they were left to themselves to do whatever they felt like. Being honeymooners, they usually didn’t leave the guesthouse much. Two weeks later, he would drop them off to their homes (Free Home Pickup and Drop!), along with a photo album with their photos morphed in front of the Eiffel Tower or Mount Titlis. He also tied up with the Original Equipment Manufacturers in Dharavi for the I♥NY souvenirs and the Merlion keychains. And he offloaded his electronics business inventory to the couples who wanted to show that they had shopped while they were abroad.

Eventually, the India Tours and Travel Journal interviewed Saileshbhai to undestand how he offered such incredibly low prices. Saileshbha smiled and said that he was always able to get some good out of bad. He never revealed anything more.

11 Comments | Short Story | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht

Pitch

January 28, 2009

(A short story in the style of Neha Vish’s fiction fragments. With sincere apologies to her for ripping her off, and to my readers for inflicting this upon them.)

He feels happy. After six years away, he is now home again. He doesn’t have to put aside some amount of his salary to buy furniture for his flat any more. He can spend the evenings talking to his parents and grandmother. He will also be well fed by his mother who has made gaajar halwa for him. The carrots in Delhi are longer and pinker and the halwa you get from them is dark red unlike the orange halwa made in South India. This is the good life.

That evening, all his relatives have come home to welcome him back to Delhi. His grandfather had wanted many children. So now he has many uncles and aunts and even more auntyjis. They are all here. They are talking to each other in Lahori Punjabi and asking him when he will get married. He doesn’t mind. He is just happy to be home.

Suddenly something shatters his sense of peace and calm. His Kitty Aunty is talking. He had never noticed this before. But now, seven years after he last met her, he realises that he cannot tolerate the the way she speaks. Her voice is incredibly high pitched. She starts her sentences by calling his mother, and ‘Veena’ emerges in a shriek. He glowers. Why is this woman who he does not even know well mutilating his mother’s name and giving him a headache? He moves to a corner to escape the shrill tones and daydreams about throwing bricks at Kitty.

Once he is in the corner, he feels even more annoyed. Her voice still reaches here and she has started to laugh also. The laugh is even more excruciating than the speaking. He remembers the dubbed Japanese cartoons he used to watch when cable TV first came, and how the alien princesses in those would giggle manically whenever they were plotting some villainy. It feels like that.

He wonders why he never noticed this about Kitty Aunty before. And then he realises that it is because his time in Bangalore has spoilt him. He has started taking the South Indian accent, with its enunciation of vowels and middle vocal range, for granted. And Kitty Aunty now feels like an intrusion on this comfortable and pleasant way of speaking.

Suddenly he realises that though he is at home, he will feel out of place unless he can hear the Bangalore accent. And that Kitty Auntyji might be too high a price to pay for gaajar halwa.

Leave a Comment » | Short Story | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht

Czech Chutzpah

January 27, 2009

This story hasn’t appeared in the Indian press as far as I know, which is a shame. It’s one of the most awesome practical jokes/ pranks/ hoaxes ever devised. So I’m summarising it for your reading pleasure.

OK, the European Union has a rotating presidency which passes between the member-countries. France just handed the presidency over to the Czech Republic. The Czech government decided to commemerate the occasion with a piece of sculpture about Europe. A Czech artist called David Cerny said that he would get artists from all the 27 member countries to contribute to the piece. This was nicely symbolic and he got the job.

So here’s where things get interesting. What Cerny finally produced was a giant map in which each country was depicted in a joyously stereotypical manner. France was just a metal outline with a Strike! banner across it. Italy was a football field where the players were all assaulting each other. Germany was a dull grey map with autobahns at right angles stretching across it. You get the picture. You actually get the picture over here (Spiegel Online slideshow). Cerny got the contract and used it to yank the European Union’s chain in a delightful manner. Even better, he charged 373,000 Euros to do this.

OK, but things don’t end there. First Cerny revealed that he had done the whole thing as a joke, causing shock and horror in the EU bureaucracy that people could actually make fun of them. Then, to make things worse, he revealed that the twenty-seven artists from each EU country did not actually exist. He had cooked them up. To add even more masala to the mix, he had also submitted tongue-in-cheek descriptions of the sculpture by these fake artists (PDF download). 5.7 MB, but do download and read, it’s well worth it.

This of course would be awesome enough in itself. But there’s something even better to come. Since the whole thing is about national stereotypes, Bulgaria was shown as a bunch of squatter-potties. This is apparently because they used to be ruled by the Ottoman Empire, who introduced Turkish toilets there, and they’re still over there. The Bulgarians have taken grave offence to being depicted as a nation of commodes, and have now summoned the Czech ambassador to demand an explanation.

I think a practical joke which results in diplomatic action being taken is pretty much the gold standard. David Cerny is my new hero.

Leave a Comment » | Weirder Than Fiction | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht

शुभारंभ

January 22, 2009

So thanks to airfares going down again, I had enough money spare to buy the awesome Nikkor 50 mm f/1.8 lens, which Chandru and Nega have been praising and taking awesome photos with. It seemed appropriate to inaugurate the lens by taking photos of my mum’s many Ganesh idols.

Unfortunately, my first few attempts didn’t quite work out and the first decent photo that I took on the lens was one of my mum, not of Ganapati. A day later, I did get this awesome shot of a painted Ganapati in front of a stone one.

Sriganesh

The photo was cropped to squareness in Picasa, but the soft focus on the background is entirely the lens’s good work.

Leave a Comment » | Photography | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht

Review Coming Up

January 22, 2009

Ashish Jaiswal, the author of True Dummy – a Fable of Existence, has asked me to review the book (psst: it launched two days ago). He’s also asked me to be honest about the book in the review, and not asked for special treatment.

I’m reading The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao right now. Once I’ve finished that, I’ll start True Dummy and review it. Normal blogging will happen in the interim (if it happens at all).

Leave a Comment » | Blogs and Blogging, Books Movies and Music | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht

2009 in Preview

January 18, 2009

After all the horrifying stuff we faced in 2008 – bomb blasts, rampaging inflation, a global financial crisis, and Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, – 2009 can only get better, right?

Ha ha ha. Oh, you crack me up. The rest of next year, we’re going to get further into a global economic downturn, we’re going to have a general election which’ll remind us of how crapulent our political choices are, and Himesh Reshammiya has five new movie releases. 2009 is going to be even worse then 2008 ever was.By the time we get through it, we’ll be wishing for the good old days of 2008. Still, forewarned is forearmed, and in keeping with the grand tradition of this blog, I’m letting you loyal readers know exactly what 2009 has in store for you. Words shall describe the unspeakable horror.

January

The Danish band Legodeath sells their touring van and announces that they will move their gear and members around on horse drawn carriages instead. Band frontsman Nils explains with a Goth poem: ‘Sweet Möther Death/ will take us all/ even these horses/ but not General Motors/ båilout after båilout/ keeps death away/ like a Žombie horde/ time to end now/ this rapacious mônster.’ Rahul Raguram excitedly informs everyone about the promising new musical genre of Scandianvian creative destruction metal.
The Home Ministry announces its firm intention to make cheating on husbands a criminal offence. In this it receives strong support from most people who bother to cast their vote in SMS polls.
A survey reveals that Omar Abdullah has replaced Howard Roark as the foremost crush of teenage girls in English medium public schools. Shobhaa De writes a column about how this represents a new political awakening in Indian youth.
The BCCI asks the Pakistani Cricket Board to ban all Pakistani players who are playing in the Indian Cricket League. Asif Ali Zardari insists that there is no proof that any Pakistani is playing the ICL. He is criticised by Barack Obama who says that Pakistan should take better efforts to co-operate with India.
Barack Obama begins his presidency, and people all over the world are hopeful that this will lead to an improvement in the economy and a ew era of peace and prosperity. However skeptical conservatives point out that Obama is not the messiah.
Anil Ambani changes Reliance Mobile’s name to BIG Phone, to match his existing naming system of BIG TV, BIG Home Video, BIG Movies, and BIG Flix. Questioned why, he replies “I may not be the big brother, but I can have a bunch of BIG companies.” He then smirks.
The economic slowdown continues. Restaurants in Mumbai are so empty, diners can now overhear the conversation of only one other table. Surjit Bhalla writes a series of columns on how this is the fault of the RBI refusing to lower interest rates.
Abu Salem issues supari on Rahul Mahajan for outraging Monica Bedi’s modesty. However nobody kills him.

February

Restaurants and hotels in Indian metros do not see their usual Valentine’s Day spike in revenues. Due to the economic crisis, people in love skip expensive dinners to save money. Instead they take follow the lead of small town India and stand outside girls’ colleges holding flowers. Barkha Dutt reports live from outside these colleges and asks the cameraperson to pan over the whole crowd.
The Home Ministry insists that not criminalising female adultery will open the floodgates of delinquent behaviour and the current situation provides unbridled license for women to cheat on their husbands. Asif Ali Zardari insists that there is no proof that wives are cheating on their husbands and that if proof is found, they can be prosecuted in Pakistan.
With Lok Sabha elections approaching, political observers are keenly watching the regional parties to see which ones will join the NDA, which ones will join the UPA, and which ones will send their leaders to hold their upraised hands with Chandrababu Naidu on the front page of the Hindu.
The Deccan Chargers become the latest Gult company to go under in scandal. It is revealed that they had never actually employed Andrew Symonds.
Campus placements at IIT slow down to such an extent that even more IITians commit suicide than usual. Farmers in Vidarbha angrily criticise them for stealing the limelight.
After having one-upped Mukesh Ambani’s private jet purchase by buying a super luxury yacht, Anilbhai upstages Mukeshbhai’s 60 floor home Antilia by announcing plans to buy Andaman Island and convert the Cellular Jail to a private mansion, which he will rename BIG House.
Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel start spring training with the Pittsburgh Pirates. The BCCI requests the MLB to ban them from playing as only the IPL is official and legitimate.
The fog over Delhi’s airport finally clears and flights can start taking off on time. V Anantha Nageswaran writes a series of columns insisting that the takeoffs are only because of a flood of cheap money and that the worst is yet to come.
The underworld still does not kill Rahul Mahajan.

March

With the Lok Sabha set to dissolve, no substantive legislation is discussed. In this matter, the budget session is no different from the last five years of parliament.
In another continuance of the last five years in Parliament, Rahul Gandhi makes a stirring speech about a woman in the Amethi constituency called Padmawati who leads a miserable life without access to electricity, education, or clean drinking water. The TV channel Colors promptly announces that it will start a new daily soap opera based on her life.
Sheila Dixit announces the extension of the BRT program in Delhi to another road. This is ignored by everyone who actually uses the bus service, supported by a number of urban planners and NGOs, and angrily criticised by Delhi’s motorists. Asif Ali Zardari assures Delhi’s car drivers that there is no evidence that the BRT leads to traffic snarls.
The BCCI requests the CBSE to stop holding board exams, as the time spent by children in studying will distract them from watching the IPL.
Continuing the grand tradition of Gult companies exploding spectacularly,  Country Club founder Y Rajeev Reddy announces that he has been committing massive fraud over the past few years, and that the number of country clubs has been grossly overstated over the past few years. TV viewers are relieved as this suggests that they will no longer have to endure Country Club ads with Rajeev Reddy sticking his thumb up. Barkha Dutt reports live from Hyderabad and interviews random passersby, informing viewers about how traumatised they are.
BP Singhal appears on CNN-IBN’s Face the Nation to explain that adultery cannot be tolerated by Indian society and therefore it is imperative to criminalise it. He angrily accuses the middle class New Delhi audience of being Westernised and unable to appreciate the Indian mindset.
Anil Ambani changes Reliance Energy’s name to BIG Bijli.
Surjit Bhalla writes a series of columns about how Anilbhai would be able to truly grow Reliance Energy instead of just renaming it if interest rates were lower.
Rahul Mahajan nearly kills himself while driving drunk, but the underworld had nothing to do with it.

April

In preparation for the upcoming elections, the government announces a cut in fuel prices to reflect the easing in the price of crude oil. Over the rest of April, the price of crude rises by fifteen dollars a barrel.
The English news channels begin their annual hysterical coverage of the CBSE board exams. Barkha Dutt broadcasts live from outside a CBSE examination centre, and chases Class X students as they leave the centre, asking them how they feel. The students run away in terror at the sight of Barkha Dutt shrieking at them. She then turns towards the camera and informs the viewers that they can see how traumatised the students were.
Due to the slowdown of the economy in general, and the real estate sector in particular, DLF is unable to sponsor the IPL this time around. Lalit Modi asks the Federal Reserve for a bailout. This prompts Legodeath to release a fresh song titled Bowlout Bailout in which they protest the use of taxpayer money to rescue questionable business plans. Rahul Raguram excitedly asks all his Facebook contacts to download it as soon as possible.
Indian corporations begin to release their annual financial statements and there is clear evidence of slowing earnings and ravaged balance sheets. However Asif Ali Zardari insists that there is no proof of a slowdown, and that if any is found it can be tackled internally by Pakistan’s finance ministry.
Anilbhai agrees to take over the naming rights of the controversial New York Mets stadium from Citi, and announces that the stadium will now be known as the BIG Ballpark. However he does not announce how much he is paying for the naming rights. Headline writers across the Indian media go orgasmic when they realise that they can now speculate about the ballpark figure.
After Genelia and Asin, Trisha becomes the next South Indian actress to break out in Bollywood movies. V Anantha Nageswaran writes a series of columns warning that this is an unsustainable trend and that commodities are the only safe refuge.
Rahul Mahajan continues to live unscathed.

May

The bailout funds for Detroit automakers run out and there is now no way to avoid bankruptcy. The auto unions as well as the management criticise Barack Obama for not doing enough. Obama defends himself and points out that he isn’t the messiah.
The Lok Sabha is dissolved and the Election Commission sets dates for elections. Young middle class voters and not so young rich celebrities all declare their intention to register to vote and to vote for the first time on the front page of Bombay Times, Delhi Times, Pune Times, and so forth. However nothing comes of it when they realise that even after taking jaagore.com’s help, they still need to submit the registration form at the local sarkaari office on their own.
The CBSE results are announced and it turns out that the mathematics paper has been extremely low scoring, and thousands of Class XII students have performed badly, putting them at a disadvantage against students who took Physical Education or Psychology instead. This leads to a huge outcry. Arundhati Roy joins the protests by writing an essay in which she questions the justice of infinite algebra.
Anilbhai renames Reliance Mutual Fund and Reliance Money to BIG Profits.
The peak temperature in Delhi hits 52 degrees Celsius. This is initially blamed on global warming but later on it turns out that the cause is actually the hot air being spewed by Rajdeep Sardesai ahead of the elections.
Meanwhile, the BCCI appeals to the Election Commission to postpone the elections as election coverage is distracting viewers from the IPL.
The one saving grace of hot weather all over India is that the mango crop is doing well. Unfortunately mango farmers are not getting good prices. The BJP accuses the government of letting down the aam aadmi.
Surjit Bhalla writes a series of columns explaining that the low prices of mangos are proof that inflation is not a threat and that interest rates should be cut.
Rahul Mahajan is not only alive but is rumoured to be the host for the next season of BIGG BOSS. Abu Salem starts giving up in life.

June

Campaigning for the elections becomes hectic as the last phase of polling begins. All major parties assure voters that they will criminalise female adultery.
The economic slowdown continues and commodity prices hit all time lows. Somali pirates are perturbed when they discover that the ships they hijack have worthless cargoes and the shipping companies can’t be bothered to pay the ransom. Therefore they appeal to the US Treasury for a bailout.
The 24 hour news channels are thrown into a tizzy because elections and Delhi University admissions are occurring simultaneously. To make matters even worse, a boy falls down a well. News channels rapidly switch feeds from outside North Campus to election rallies to the well, while the anchors desperately try to keep up. Barkha Dutt later writes an op-ed describing it as the most traumatic time in her life.
The elections finally end. The Election Commission announces that it has actually held the elections at a profit. This is because the five thousand new parties which decided to ride the wave of middle class outrage and campaigned on a platform of opposing corruption, promoting the national interest and fighting against caste-based reservations have all lost their deposits. Also, Parliament is extremely hung, with no political alliance getting a clear majority. It appears that there will not be a working government for the next five years. So it will be exactly like the previous five years.
Anilbhai announces that Reliance ADA Group will set up sewage treatment plants in Indian metros. This will be done by a company named BIG Shit. This naming and renaming spree finally gets noticed by Shobhaa De, who writes a column wondering if Anilbhai is insecure.
The only good news to come out in the entire month is that the Bandra-Worli Sea Link is finally opened to the public. Unfortunately after two days of operation it is blockaded by Maharashtra Navnirman Sena workers who protest about the toll booths being manned by migrants from UP and Bihar. When it is pointed out to them that the toll plazas are automated and use state-of-the-art smart card readers, they demand that the smart card readers be replaced by the Marathi manoos.
V Anantha Nageswaran writes a series of columns in which he  warns his readers that the Bandra Worli Sea Link only got built because of a flood of cheap money and that this is unsustainable in the long run.
Rahul Mahajan remains unharmed, because everyone in the underworld has realised that it is more profitable to ask for a bailout.

July

Legodeath announces plans to release a concept album on bailouts. Frontsman Nils states that the band wants to challenge the concept of money being spent to rescue businesses that are no longer relevant or viable. He also provides a partial track listing. The tracks include Sçhumpeter Screams for Mercÿ, The Ċreative are Ċhoked While The Zombies Are Fed, and Dřowning Ëquity. Rahul Raguram hails the (unnamed) album as a masterpiece of Danish financial protest metal.

Efforts to form a government continue and both the Congress and the BJP ask the BSP to support the government. However they are both unwilling to give Mayawati the PM’s post, and offer her the Defence Ministry instead. Mayawati insists that she wants the Prime Ministership and nothing else, and laughs in their faces. Headline writers across the Indian media wet themselves when they realise they can now print stuff like ‘Behenji turns down MoD’.
With no government to propose legislation, the number of laws discussed in Parliament falls from already abysmal lows to zero. However the MPs are not completely unoccupied, as three different TV Channels start signing them up for dance shows featuring male MPs paired up with female models. This leads to a furious bidding war between SET Max, Star Plus, and Colors for Omar Abdullah.
Surjit S Bhalla points to the bidding war as evidence that it is impossible to use monetary policy to control Indian inflation, and that interest rates should therefore be lowered.
Anilbhai ignores Shobhaa De’s column and changes Mumbai Metro One’s name to BIG Rapid Transit.
Everyone is so miserable about the economy and the political situation that nobody notices that the monsoon has been on time, normal, and well distributed over India. Everyone, that is, except Barkha Dutt, who broadcasts live from Delhi in the middle of a drizzle, where she explains to the viewers that they can see how traumatised everyone is. Despite there being no real government, the additional solicitor general appears before the Supreme court and testifies that female adultery is evidence of perverted minds.
Asif Ali Zardari realises that he has been away from the public spotlight. Therefore he insists that there is no evidence that he had been inactive.
Rahul Mahajan is in the pink of health. Abu Salem’s lawyer informs the press about the anguish his client faces.

August

All efforts to form a government remain unsuccessful. The MPs who are not appearing on dance shows therefore decide to do fact finding tours of Thailand and Belgium to see how they manage to make do without a government. Mystifyingly they do not include Somalia or Northwest Pakistan on the itinerary.
The English Premiership is about to start. However the BCCI asks the FA not to conduct it as it will distract television viewers from IPL reruns.
Anilbhai announces that he is starting a BPO which will serve the US Treasury and Federal Reserve and process bailout requests, and that it will be named BIG Bheek. Legodeath frontsman Nils condemns Anilbhai’s action and gloomily talks about how the forces of bailouts unleashed earlier are now sucking all entrepreneurial activity towards them instead of into more productive pursuit. Nils explains with a Goth poem: ‘Like carrioŋ they comē/ in search øf funds/ not their moneÿ/ but ÿours/ but mine/ and now comes Ãnil/ to help them feed/ but they feed/ on our blood and marrow/ the living get nothing/ the corpses feed/ take them now/ Sweet Mother Đeath.’ Rahul Raguram is delighted and spreads the news on his blog, on his Facebook posted items, and his Google Reader shared items.
Obama does not share Rahul Raguram’s sentiments and promptly appoints BIG Bheek to streamline the process of demanding bailout money. He is attacked by both trade unions and Lou Dobbs for sending jobs overseas. The Democratic base complains bitterly that Obama has let them down and they no longer think he is the messiah.
In his Independence Day address to the Pakistani nation, Asif Ali Zardari insists that there is no evidence that Pakistan is an independent nation. V Anantha Nageswaran writes a series of columns in which he informs his readers that Asif Ali Zardari will continue to deny everything and that the only way out is to withdraw from the equity markets and use commodities as a safe haven.
Abu Salem accuses Rahul Mahajan of racism after he shows up at Arthur Road jail and makes monkey gestures at Abu Salem through the bars.

September

In a shocking development, it turns out that Genelia D’Souza’s career in movies actually began with Mere Baap Pehle Aap. In a faxed confession, she states that the Telugu films she claimed to have done did not really exist.
Queen Elizabeth becomes the latest member of the British Royal Family to be involved in a racism scandal after she calls someone a Paki. However Asif Ali Zardari comes to her defence and insists that there is no evidence that the person in question was Pakistani.
After a lifetime of screaming hysterically at the camera and informing the audience about how traumatised everyone is, Barkha Dutt develops laryngitis. NDTV instantly appeals to the the US Treasury for a bailout.
Anilbhai now renames Reliance Infrastructure BIG Bridges. By now even Amar Singh thinks he is going too far.
After years of controversy related to equipment, bidding rules, tender procedures, technology, regulation, financing and ownership, 3G services are finally launced in India. Unfortunately they only last for three days after which the BCCI has them suspended when it realises that 3G networks are being used to share videos of Twenty20 matches.
The Government remains unformed. This is because the Communist parties have promised to support any formation from outside without joining the government. As a result of this everyone loses enthu.
Surjit S Bhalla writes a series of columns warning his readers that the absence of a Central government is keeping the rupee at unreasonably high levels, and that firm action is required to push its value lower.
Rahul Mahajan is alive, and confirmed as the host of the new season of BIGG BOSS. Abu Salem is practically in tears.

October

On the occasion of Gandhi Jayanti, Sanjay Dutt goes back to promoting Gandhigiri, as that is the only thing that has worked for him in the past five years. A hysterical Rajdeep Sardesai informs the audience that India is demanding answers on this development.
Legodeath announces that its anti-bailout concept album will be titled Deathśuck. Rahul Raguram is overjoyed and tells everyone that Deathśuck is a milestone in the evolution of Scandinavian capitalist death metal. He is not disheartened by people who tell him that death sucks.
There are riots in West Bengal when Mamata Banerjee  leads a protest against farmers’ land being acquired. Later it is discovered that the land was being acquired in Gujrat and not West Bengal. However Asif Ali Zardari insists that there is no proof of this. He also calls Mamata Banerjee gorgeous. This latest statement is strongly and angrily criticised by Omar Abdullah fangirls all over Orkut.
Anilbhai announces that he will reshuffle his entire portfolio of businesses, reform them under a holding company called BIG Business, and issue grossly overpriced equity in the holding company.
Government formation still does not take place, because the parliamentary debates are stuck on the vexed topic of how fast prospective governments will move to criminalise female adultery.
The Sanand factory finally rolls out Tata Motors’ Nano. Tragically because of the economic situation the target customer group has downgraded from scooters to bicycles. V Anantha Nageswaran writes a series of columns explaining that this will continue as long as interest rates remain artificially low.
Rahul Mahajan continues to live the good life.

November

Due to global warming, the winter in Delhi is unusally mild and temperatures only go down to 18 degrees Celsius, as a result of which Delhi-ites don’t bother taking out their woollens. Meanwhile, also due to global warming, the winter in Bombay is unusually sharp and the temperature falls to 18 degree Celsius. Everyone in Bombay buys sweaters and jackets.
Anilbhai renames Reliance Life Sciences BIG Pharma, ignoring fervent appeals from everyone from Kokilaben to Amar Singh to give it a rest.
The government is still not formed at the centre because nobody can decide whether Rahul Gandhi or Omar Abdullah is better looking. Rajdeep Sardesai goes on air and states that enough is enough. However he does not actually propose solutions.
Due to the continuing economic crisis, summer placements at the IIMs are almost at their worst ever. MBA students are unable to get internships on Wall Street as Wall Street no longer exists. As a result of this they appeal to the US Treasury for a bailout. Expectedly they are criticised by Legodeath and Rahul Raguram.
Also criticising them are farmers in Vidarbha, who accuse them of making a big deal out of nothing while they lead miserable lives plagued by crop failure, unbearable temperatures and Sainath hovering around them like a helicopter parent. However there is relief in store for Vidarbha farmers as Colors announces that it will start a new daily soap based on their tragic lives. Asif Ali Zardari, however, insists that there is no evidence that farmers are dying in Vidarbha and insists that this is just the Indian media flinging allegations.
 The Bangalore Metro construction remains as slow as ever and remains months away from any sort of completion. V Anantha Nageswaran writes a series of columns explaining to readers that this sort of inefficiency is the inevitable fallout of cheap money and that Bangalore’s commuters’ only hope is to seek a safe haven in commodities.
Rahul Mahajan is interviewed by the Hindustan Times and asked how he manages to lead a healthy and spiritual life. Abu Salem is wracked with paroxysms of grief.

December

With the year practically at an end, and no good news in sight, people are utterly depressed. This is commented upon by Barkha Dutt, who tells the viewers that they can see how traumatised everyone is; by Rajdeep Sardesai, who says that enough is enough, and by Arnab Goswami, who says that Arundhati Roy is disgusting.
Capping off a perfectly bad year, Obama’s past as an Illinois politician catches up with him. The press finally gets over their adulation, and starts investigating the shady deals he was involved with in Chicago. Conservative commentators explain that Obama is actually a very naughty boy.
It is revealed that the actual reason government formation has been stalled this while is that the BCCI has been working actively to prevent it, reasoning that a televised vote of confidence will distract viewers from  watching cricket on TV.
Asif Ali Zardari assures everyone that there is no evidence that Gult companies have been falsifying information. He does this even before any new fraud is brought to light, leading everyone to wonder what he knows.
V Anantha Nageswaran writes a series of columns explaining that Surjit Bhalla will keep writing columns as long as there is a flood of cheap money in the financial markets. Surjit Bhalla on his part writes a series of columns explaining that V Anantha Nageswaran’s columns will continue unless Indian interest rates are brought down to global levels and the rupee is devalued. They agree to sort out their differences over coffee. Barkha Dutt, reporting on this, informs the viewers that they can see how traumatised everyone is.
Anilbhai buys Colors, renames it BIG Drama, and announces that for all seasons to come, he will be the voice of BIGG BOSS. He also assures Rahul Mahajan that his job as host is safe. Abu Salem is so disgusted that he appeals to the US Treasury for a bailout.
Legodeath wishes everyone a better 2010.

Leave a Comment » | Twisted Shout | Permalink
Posted by Aadisht

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »