xkcd and नवरस

March 23, 2008

While Wired magazine has commented on the huge popularity of xkcd, it has not been able to provide a reason for this:

This mix of brains and fun, as well as underlying sweetness helped propel xkcd from a hobby to a full-time job for the 23-year-old former NASA roboticist. Since its 2005 launch, xkcd has grown from doodles in the margins of a graphing notebook to T-shirts, radio talks and lectures on humor at MIT, where students batted inflatable raptors around the auditorium. The website drew between 60 million and 70 million pageviews in October, Munroe says, and xkcd’s growing fan base has taken to re-enacting events that take place in the comic.

However, even I don’t have a clue just why it is that xkcd seems to appeal to people so much. So I asked my good friend Neha Natalya Pandey to put fundaes on this. Since she’s majoring in Algorithm Analysis and Design (and minoring in Sanskrit Poetics) at U. Mich., and she has an amazing intellectual pedigree (her parents are Dr. Acharya Somuchidononanda Pandey and Dr. Valentina Dimitrieva Pandey), she’s ideally suited to explain this. I reproduce her correspondence on this subject below, with her permission.

Read the rest of this entry »


2008 in Preview

January 6, 2008

Once again, I have decided to follow in Vindi‘s footsteps, and make my look ahead at the year to come an annual tradition. Here it is:

January:The Danish band Legödeâth inserts heavy-metal umlauts into its name. Band frontsman Nils explains with a Goth poem: ‘For too long/ sterile letters/ now we add/ pointless symbols/ like all religion/ bringing us closer/ to Sweet Mother Death.’ Rahul Raguram blogs excitedly about the implications for this on the hitherto neglected genre of Scandinavian circumflex death metal.
The Indian cricket team is humiliated in Australia. The BCCI sacks Gary Kirsten and announces it will search for a better coach.
Laloo Prasad Yadav announces the Railway Ministry’s intention of getting railways stations modernised by private players. P Sainath abuses him for talking about railway stations modernised when farmers are dying in Vidarbha.
George Lucas holds a press conference where he announces that Obi-Wan Kenobi is gay. When astonished reporters ask him why he is revealing this now, he shrugs and says ‘It worked for JK Rowling.’.
Star TV announces that it will launch a new channel called Star Dial Karein that will show nothing but SMS-voting reality shows. Rakhi Sawant alleges that the voting procedures on the new channel are rigged.
The Department of Telecom decides to award spectrum on a rotational basis, with spectrum going to CDMA operators for three months of the year, GSM operators for another three months, new entrants for another three, and to local cable operators for the remaining.
It now takes cars in Bangalore one hour to travel down M G Road from Trinity Circle to Anil Kumble Circle. Shashi Tharoor writes an article on how autorickshaws clogging Bangalore traffic represents a triumph of Indian democracy.

February:

The BCCI invites Steve Bucknor to coach the Indian team. Bucknor shakes his head. The BCCI starts hunting again.
Three new books which are fictionalised accounts of corporate life by B-School alumni are published. All retail for Rs. 150 or less. Rakhi Sawant alleges that the prices of these books are rigged.
Anbumani Ramadoss claims that Lėgodeâth has inserted heavy metal umlauts into their name because they are opposed to the lower castes. He responds by sacking the AIIMS director.
The Wachowski brothers hold a press conference in which they announce that Morpheus is gay.
Wasim Khan of Bombay files a case against the RBI under section 295A as offering interest on CRR and SLR deposits hurts the religious sentiments of Muslims.
The Department of Telecom decides to award spectrum only to new telecom operators. All telecom companies rush to set up new brands.
Baba Ramdev submits a bid to modernise the Allahbad railway station, with yoga halls in the terminals. The Communist parties threaten to withdraw support to the UPA government.
Pankaj Mishra writes an article on how modernised railway terminals are not authentically Indian.

March:

Jignesh Shah of Ahmedabad files a complaint against Italy for insulting the national flag as the Italian flag is the Indian flag shown without the Ashoka Chakra. In the ensuing violence, all restaurants in Gujewland which serve pizza are burnt down.
The technical bids for the modernisation for New Delhi Railway Station are submitted. The Communist parties warn the UPA government that they cannot take their support for granted and that the bids should not be opened. Rakhi Sawant announces that the bidding process for railway station modernisation is rigged.
Five new sub-Rs. 150 books by B-School alumni are published. Star Dial Karein starts a show devoted to voting for the best such book.
Vijay Mallya says that he will buy the Blackburn Rovers and rename it Team India.
Outlook Magazine runs a cover story on how Chennai is a conservative city and demeans young people. It is angrily criticised on Chennai Metblogs. Chennai Metblogs then attracts fifty commentors complaining that Chennai is not conservative enough.
Quentin Tarantino holds a press conference in which he announces that Pai Mei was gay.
The BCCI invites Javed Miandad to coach the Indian cricket team. Miandad refuses.
The CBSE board exams begin. Shashi Tharoor writes an article on how for every statement that can be marked wrong by the CBSE, the opposite statement can also be marked wrong.

April:

The travel time from Trinity Circle to Anil Kumble Circle is now longer than the time taken to cross from Andheri East to Andheri West. Bombayites are angry that their claim to having the worst traffic jam in India is displaced.
The Department of Telecom announces that spectrum will be awarded to telecom companies in order of their market capitalisation. Telecom companies rush to file follow-on public offers.
Satyanath Prakash Tripathi files a case against the students of Tiny Tots preschool for insulting the national flag by not drawing it in proportion.
Simon Tolkien holds a press conference in which he announces that Gandalf was gay.
Prakash Karat says that the Communist parties will not withdraw support to the government, but that the UPA must listen to their concerns on railway station modernisation. He warns of unspeakable consequences if the government proceeds with financial bids.
Musharraf declares a state of emergency in Pakistan again. The US Presidential Candidates all criticise this. Later on it turns out that they think Musharraf is the President of Burma.
The Bangalore International Airport at Devanahalli finally starts operations. The passengers who land here discover that there is no road to the city itself. They catch onwards flights to Mangalore and take a Volvo bus from there.
The BCCI invites Saurav Ganguly to coach the Indian team, which will also accomplish the prime objective of getting him out of the team. Ganguly refuses. The BCCI keeps looking.
The annual result season starts. Corporate profit growth has slowed. Pankaj Mishra writes on how this reflects the dangers of moving away from Nehruvian economics and a society led by intellectuals.

May:

The DoT announces that it will allocate spectrum on the basis of telecom companies’ CEOs’ Class XII CBSE marks.
Jasbir Singh Bagga of Malout files a case under Section 295A against Navjot Singh Sidhu for hurting the religious sentiments of Sikhs by acting like a stereotypical sardar.
After pressure from Bush, Musharraf lifts the state of Emergency. Nobody in India is aware of this because the 24 hour news channels are doing nothing but talking about Delhi University admissions.
Stan Lee holds a press conference in which he announces that Professor Charles Xavier is gay.
The Communist parties agree to let the UPA government invite financial bids for railway station modernisation, provided that these are rejected.
Baba Ramdev speaks out against mommyblogging, as it is against Indian culture. He advocates doing yoga instead of writing about your babies online.
Shivraj Patil insists that there is no way the Home Ministry can act on intelligence reports about possible terrorist threats. P Sainath abuses Patil for talking about terrorism when farmers are dying in Vidarbha.
The BCCI invites Subhash Chandra to coach the Indian cricket team, with the hope that this will lead to the Indian Cricket League being shut down. However Subhash Chandra refuses. The BCCI hunts on valiantly.
The Meteorological Office forecasts a normal monsoon. Rakhi Sawant alleges that the Met Office’s climate model is rigged.
ICICI Bank gets into trouble for sending hijras to collect money from defaulters. Shashi Tharoor writes an article bemoaning the fact that only hijras wear saris any more.

June:

The monsoon does not match the Met Office forecasts. Al Gore blames this on global warming.
The BCCI asks Napoleon Einstein to coach the Indian team. Einstein refuses, citing the example of the other Einstein who refused to become President of Israel.
The price of crude oil hits $150 a barrel. It is discovered that this is because it takes two full tanks of petrol to get from Trinity Circle to Anil Kumble Circle.
Bombay is flooded yet again. The Times of India publishes a forty-eight page special edition explaining how the fact that it still runs the presses symbolises the spirit of Bombay. Simultaneously, Outlook magazine runs a cover story on how Bambaiyya Hindi is vulgar and not a real language. It is angrily criticised by Bombay bloggers for attacking Bombay when the city is down.
Sheila Dixit announces a plan to have a flyover over every traffic intersection in Delhi before the Commonwealth Games begin. Star Dial Karein launches a show in which people can vote for the flyover they think will be completed first.
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar holds a press conference in which he tries to reassure everyone that religion is contemporary and relevant by announcing that Dronacharya was gay.
Manmohan Singh announces that poor Muslims should have the first share of national resources, and so the financial bids for railway station modernisation should be opened by a committee of Muslims. The Communist parties warn the government that they should not form the committee without the consent of parliament.
The Karnataka Legislative Assembly is elected and is hung again. Nandan Nilekani says that he hopes President’s Rule will lead to better infrastructure for Karnataka. U R Ananthamurthy files a complaint against Nilekani for disrespecting the national anthem by not singing it when talking about the President.
The Department of Telecom announces that it will allocate spectrum to cellphone operators based on the total volume of calls from the ICICI Bank Personal Loans telesales team received on their network. Pankaj Mishra writes an article in which he criticises equating modernity with personal loans.

July:

Legødėath announces plans to record a concept album about cheese. Rahul Raguram goes orgasmic about the creation of the new genre of Scandinavian Operatic Gouda Goth.
Verghese Kurien accuses Legødėath of trying to sabotage the dairy co-operative movement by violating the GCMMF’s trademark rights. He gives interviews to anyone who will listen. These interviews are ignored by everyone except Rediff messageboard commentors, who complain about the Government of India refusing to acknowledge Kurien’s greatness.
Vijay Mallya announces that to commemorate the Bombay floods, Whyte and Mackay will distill a new whiskey called The Spirit of Bombay. Hiten Gandhi of Kandivili immediately files a case under Section 295A against Mallya for hurting the religious sentiments of teetotal Mumbaikars.
The Department of Telecom announces that it will allocate spectrum to cellphone operators in proportion to the number of landlines they run. Spice and Vodafone give up in life.
Not to be outdone by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, the Pope holds a press conference in which he announces that St. Peter was gay.
Sonia Gandhi gives a speech in which she calls people who oppose railway station modernisation the enemies of progress. Brinda Karat says that this speech violates the principles of modern democracy.
The road from Devanahalli Airport to Bangalore city is finally completed. It gets washed away after two days of heavy downpour.
After ‘I Bought the Monk’s Ferrari’, Ravi Subramanian goes for gold by writing ‘Nine point someone at God’s KPO unit’. Shashi Tharoor reviews it, and praises it, as bad writing about corporate life is a testament to both the democratisation of Indian literature as also  showcasing modern India’s achievements.

August:

Vasu Seth of Chennai accuses Dr. Naveen Jayakumar of disrespecting the national anthem by not playing it during the Landmark Quiz.
The rupee collapses to 35 against the dollar. P Chidambaram reassures exporters that they will continue to get sops. P Sainath abuses Chidambaram for talking about the value of the rupee when farmers are dying in Vidarbha.
The railway ministry finally opens the financial bids for railway station modernisation. The Communist Parties warn the nation that going ahead with this plan will spell doom for the Railways’ independent business strategy.
A cyclone inundates Bangladesh. This is not as bad as it sounds, as all the Bangladeshis are in West Bengal anyway.
Tata’s one lakh rupee car finally goes on full-fledged sale after years of hype and concept displays.  It sells well everywhere except Bangalore, where the MG Road traffic jam has spilled over into the city to an extent where it is no longer possible to drive cars out of the showroom.
The BCCI invites Ratan Tata to become the Indian coach in a last bid effort. Ratan Tata refuses.
Star Dial Karein comes up with a recursive concept, and invites viewers to vote for which voting-based reality show they want to keep voting for. It flops, because none of the cellphone operators have enough spectrum to allow the smooth sending of SMSs.
Faced with the rising popularity of Star Dial Karein, religious TV channels also adopt the SMS route. Baba Ramdev allows viewers to vote for yoga demonstrations through SMS.
Pankaj Mishra writes an article on how only articles by intellectuals are authentically Indian, while SMS is unsuited to the Indian milieu.

September:

Łegoděaŧh releases their cheese concept album, Moũld. Rahul Raguram praises them for coming up with a big hunk of cheesy goodness. The album screams up the charts. Rakhi Sawant alleges that the sales of the album are rigged.
Vijay Mallya announces his intention to come up with a Samvat calendar version of the Kingfisher swimsuit calendar. Sunil Mukhopadhyay of Burdwan files a case against him under section 295A for hurting the religious sentiments of Hindus.
Baba Ramdev speaks out against modern retail, as it is against Indian culture. He advocates doing yoga instead of shopping in air-conditioned buildings.
Outlook magazine runs a cover story on the levels of dowry for IIT engineers. Nobody protests, because nobody at IIT reads Outlook anyway.
The railway ministry announces the final shortlist of bidders. The Communist parties demand a combined sitting of the house to debate this.
The DoT decides to allocate spectrum on the basis of outgoing SMSs sent to Star Dial Karein. P Sainath abuses A Raja for talking about spectrum when farmers are dying in Vidarbha.
Shashi Tharoor writes an article lamenting that Teacher’s Day is the only opportunity girls across India will ever get to wear sarees.

October:

The summer placement season at IIM campuses begins. Despite the subprime meltdown, internship stipends still hit new highs. However, Rakhi Sawant alleges that the placement process is rigged.
The railway ministry signs MoUs with the winning bidders. The Communist parties call for a nationwide bandh. This is opposed by Baba Ramdev, who says that bandhs are against Indian culture. He advocates doing yoga and opening up the body’s passages instead.
The BCCI invites Jose Mourinho to coach the Indian cricket team, on the grounds that any coach from any sport will be acceptable at this point. Tragically he refuses.
The DoT suggests awarding spectrum on the basis of the proportion of postpaid subscribers. Telecom company CEOs take up yoga under Baba Ramdev to cope.
Vasu Seth of Chennai now hauls IITM up for insulting the national flag by showing the tricolour as splashes instead of in proportion during the IITM Open Quiz.
Pankaj Mishra warns against accepting quizzing as a sign of modernity.

November:

The summer placement process at IIM Bangalore finishes a month after all the other IIMs. This is because the recruiters were stuck in traffic.
Interact Club members from all of Delhi’s schools go around persuading people not to burst firecrackers at Diwali and getting pledges signed. The members then go home and burst ten thousand rupees’ worth of crackers each. Delhi Met Office figures show that pollution has risen threefold in one week. Baba Ramdev suggests doing yoga to cope.
Work on railway station modernisation begins. The communist parties hold demonstrations at all major train stations. They successfully disrupt railway traffic everywhere, except at  Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus, where the few communists in Bombay are trampled underfoot once commuters from the 9.47 fast get off the train. Noam Chomsky writes a letter to them, urging them not to lose heart, and reminding them that maintaining status quo in Indian railway terminals is vital in order to prevent the US invading Iran. The Hindu prints this letter on the front page.
Ramesh Sippy holds a press conference where he announces that Thakur in Sholay was gay.
The US Presidential elections are conducted and Obama wins a landslide victory. People all across the world are disappointed for two reasons: they were looking forward to recount-related entertainment again, and because they are now denied the opportunity to see Chuck Norris in the US cabinet. Leģŏdeǻtĥ sums up Rahul Raguram’s disappointment with the following Goth poem: ‘So much effort/ one small fact/ up to the top ten/ now never to see/ Chuck Norris/ as Secretary of Defense/ roundhouse kicking/ Iran in the face/ all is despair/ embrace me now/ Sweet Mother Death.’
The BCCI invites Vijay Mallya to coach the Indian cricket team. He declines, claiming pressing responsibilities, but suggests Deepika Padukone’s name. To everyone’s great disappointment, the BCCI does not agree to this.
The DoT proposes allotting spectrum to companies on the basis of the votes they receive on Star Dial Karein.
Shashi Tharoor writes that Deepika Padukone coaching the Indian team in a saree would have represented the coming together of tradition and modernity in a way that typified the triumph of Indian democracy.

December:

The Department of Telecom finally agrees to auction spectrum. The Communist parties promptly protest and warn the UPA government that it should not continue on this track. Rakhi Sawant alleges that the auction process is rigged.
The BCCI asks Baba Ramdev to become the Indian coach. Baba Ramdev accepts, and puts the team on a regimen of yoga. Sharad Pawar subsequently holds a press conference where he announces that Baba Ramdev is gay.
The Government of Karnataka decides to solve the MG Road traffic crisis by asking the engineers of the Bandra-Worli Sea Link to take over the Bangalore Metro construction.
Anthony da Costa of Silvassa files a case under Section 295A against the national flag, as a flag with saffron and green elevates the religious feeling of Hindus and Muslims, and so hurts the religious sentiments of Christians. Simultaneously, PGSVK Reddy of Vijaywada files a case against Anthony da Costa for disrespecting the flag.
P Sainath abuses Ŀēģőđěǽťĥ for releasing chart-topping metal albums when farmers are dying in Vidarbha.
Pankaj Mishra writes an article on how Shashi Tharoor is a true intellectual. Shashi Tharoor writes an article on how Pankaj Mishra represents the triumph of Indian democracy, and requests him to start wearing sarees.
Ŀēģőđěǽťĥ wishes everyone a happy new year.


Subverting Propaganda

December 8, 2007

Filthy undergrads (and even filthier schoolchildren) cannot recall a time before cable television. They do not recall a time when television consisted of Doordarshan only. When commercials came before programming, not between it. When news was not sensational. When there was only one channel. And when that channel was a mouthpiece for the Congress (I).

And yet, Doordarshan being a propaganda outlet could not prevent some brave filmmakers from striking a blow for liberty and inserting subtle yet trenchant criticism of the ruling dynasty into their work. The most famous of these – yet utterly unappreciated as pro-freedom, anti-Nehruvianism work – is the animated short film ‘एक चिडिया अनेक चिडिया’, which brilliantly wove anti-Congress messages into a propaganda film commissioned by the ruling Nehru dynasty.

When you see this film for the first time, it comes across as a typical piece of propaganda – designed to impose the values of the ruling Allahbadi elites upon the rest of the country in the guise of ‘national integration’. However, when you examine it closer, you discover that the whole short is a brutal attack on Indira Gandhi. I shall now explain this below.

The first thing that points us to the anti-Indira message of the short film is the UP accented Hindi of the voice actors. It is clearly a parallel to the forty-five year long domination of national politics by a small group of UP Brahmins.

This established, it becomes clear that the ‘Didi’ introduced at the very beginning of the film is Indira Gandhi. The choice of symbols is startling – presenting Indira Gandhi as a Big Sister is a parallel to Orwell’s Big Brother, who presided over an equally totalitarian state.

After this, the parallels fall into place. At 2:30, we see the Big Sister figure telling a story about a hunter trying to capture birds. With this segment, Vijaya Mule invokes Indira Gandhi’s insane invocations of the ‘foreign hand’. The mice depicted at the end of the story are a metaphor for the Soviet military assistance provided to Nehru-dynasty India – poor, badly designed hardware, only capable of irritating superior American ordnance, but still good enough to win the 1971 war.

The most powerful indictment of the Indira regime, however, comes in the last segment of the film, beginning at 04:52. We see how the children led by the Big Sister plot to steal mangoes from somebody’s private property. This is an analogy to how Indira Gandhi led the Congress to nationalize banks in 1969, and use the spoils to reward party functionaries with cheap and easy credit. Tellingly, we see that there are no Sikhs receiving mangoes. Even more tellingly, we see that while it is the younger brother who gathers the mangoes, it is the Big Sister who distributes them – and that there is no audit or control to measure who receives how much – referring to the culture of corruption established by Indira Gandhi, which allowed her to grab the vast majority of bribes and extortion.

It is difficult enough to spread an anti-dynasty message on state-owned television. Doing this in the guise of state propaganda is even more remarkable. Vijaya Mule and her team need to be applauded.


Eldritch McGonagall Evangelism

July 26, 2007

The ability of quizzes to bring about the dawn of an age of horror and eternal insanity has already been commented upon.

In an awful moment of coherence and utter illumination, I saw the execrable truth: not content to wait for the stars, in their aeons-long drift, to come into alignment, these quizzers seek to recreate the abnormal, non-Euclidean incubus that is R’lyeh in the minds of men. The strange angles, the alternate topography ne’er imagined, will become a stronger and stronger vision, a message of power that will penetrate Cthulhu’s endless sleep and resurrect It upon this earth. To the winners of the league will go the honour of being eaten first, while the rest of humanity plunges into shrieking torment for an age and an age.

And yet, all is not well. As quizzers, we strive relentlessly to raise the Great Old One into this world. But there is only so much we can do. A quiz comes only once a month. It has limited questions. Indeed, without a continuous supply of fresh initiates, the ability of the Master of the Cult to recreate horror and madness dies out. We need a fresh tactic to being about The Tentacularity.

It is here that the poetry of William McGonagall comes to our aid. As Wikipedia informs us,

McGonagall has been widely acclaimed as the worst poet in British history. The chief criticisms of his poetry are that he is deaf to poetic metaphor and unable to scan correctly.

I shall demonstrate the point of the incorrect scanning with examples:

And as she approached his body the hissing fuse burst upon her ears,
But still the noble girl no danger fears;
While the hissing of the fuse was like an engine grinding upon her brain,
Still she resolved to save Jack while life in her body did remain.

and:

And when the day of his trial draws near,
No doubt for the murdering of his wife he drops a tear,
And he exclaims, “Oh, thou demon Drink, through thee I must die,”
And on the scaffold he warns the people from drink to fly,

Not to mention:

Then Shere Sing fled in great dismay,
But Lord Gough pursued him without delay,
And captured him a few miles away;
And now the Sikhs are our best soldiers of the present day,
Because India is annexed to the British Dominions, and they must obey.

And, one last before I get carried away:

In my opinion, what a man pays for he certainly should get;
And if he does not, he will certainly fret;
And why wouldn’t women do the very same?
Therefore, to demand the parliamentary Franchise they are not to blame.

Right. Enough examples.

With their bizarre and unconventional structure, the poems of McGonagall clearly follow Non-Euclidean metre. The odd turns of grammar are reminiscent of the unnatural and profane rantings of the Cthulhu cultists, while the way in which words are piled up over each other is a literary parallel to Cyclopean architecture. Clearly, a century and more before the Bombay Quiz Club began its pitiful efforts, McGonagall was attempting to rouse the Dread One.

The Bombay Quiz Club has stagnated. It remains unable to attract more than forty or fifty at a time. No matter what horrors the Master may attempt to summon, there is not enough fresh blood being brought in1. It is time to change tactics. Quizzing is no longer enough. To bring about the Age of Horror, we must move from quizzing to public recitals of McGonagall’s poetry. Schoolchildren must be exposed to its eldritch rhythms in morning assembly, and FM stations must play it during peak commuter hours. Broadcast to the masses, it will induce collective agony and spasmodic writhing in those who hear its unimaginable cadences. Those who endure the agony of reciting it themselves shall discover release in Being Eaten First, while the rest of the world shall find itself plunged into a madness far greater.

It’s a very pleasing thought.

1: Even after the infant sacrifices.


Avril Lavigne and Vedic Cosmology

July 15, 2007

When I wrote about Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend two months ago, I commented that this was a marketing maneuver gone wrong, where Avril Lavigne (or her producer) lost her core and niche market in hopes of appealing to the masses.

I was in error. In fact I almost committed blasphemy. Only now do I realise that Girlfriend – especially the video – is not about marketing or popularity or music audiences. It is in fact a modern exploration of the great themes of Hindu mythology. Avril Lavigne deserves to be praised for bringing the concepts of our glorious culture to the western world.

In the video (which, tragically, is not embeddable), we observe Avril Lavigne in a triple role – the musician with blonde hair (with multicoloured highlights), the saintly girlfriend with red hair and glasses, and the black haired interloper who attempts to capture malesexobject1. On superficial analysis, this appears to be yet another example of decadent Western culture. Yet when we examine deeply we discover that the video is in fact a discourse on one of the fundamental pillars of Hindu culture: the trinity of feminine energies, or त्रिशक्ती. Analysing further, we will see that the video also points out the obligation of man to seek out the balance between the competing forces of purity (सत्त्व), dynamism (रजस्) and destruction (तमस). This shall be explained in detail below.

Clearly, blonde Avril is a modern-day representation of Saraswati. As we see at 00:23, the guitar has substituted the Veena, yet the symbolism remains clear as ever. The blonde hair simulates Saraswati’s yellow skin, while the multicoloured highlights in the hair represent the subjects under her domain. The rainbow colours stand for the seven notes of music, the multiple strands of learning that form education, and the seven chakras of Ayurveda. Furthermore, the ‘A’ visible on her shirt sleeve at 00:25 drives in the connection with education and learning even further. The climactic scene of the video, where blonde Avril and her attendants are depicted dancing in a toilet emphasise her stature as a goddess of the waters and rivers.

Simultaneously, redhead Avril represents Lakshmi. The inference is drawn more subtly here, but it is still evident. The bread eating scene beginning at 1:24 establishes her as the giver of bounty and prosperity, while the pink sweater she wears throughout the video demonstrates her connection with material things and wealth. The thick rimmed glasses she wears can be interpreted in a multitude of ways: as symbolising the owl, the vehicle of Lakshmi, or the intense scrutiny that wealth must undergo. The recursive nature of these interpretations is a subject best left to more qualified professionals in the field, such as Dr. Acharya Somuchidononanda Pandey.

Finally, we turn our attention to brunette Avril, who signifies Kali. This is perhaps the most startlingly explicit of the parallels drawn. Just as blonde Avril wears an ‘A’ on her sleeve, brunette Avril wears a skull and crossbones (most clearly visible at 3:47). It is not a garland of fifty one heads, yet it makes the point simply and starkly. Her black hair and clothing are startlingly literal – yet even these are not as direct as the protruding tongue seen at 1:14. After a reference as explicit as this, the metaphor of gold club as sword beginning at 2:02 seems obscure and contrived in comparison.

And what of malesexobject? We obtain insight into his role at the very beginning of the video, when we see him entering Golf and Stuff – Family Fun Courts (emphasis mine). Clearly, he represents the householding (ग्रहस्थ्य ) stage of evolution, where he must move through life amassing wealth, protecting his dependents and shattering his obstacles.

Yet, as the video shows, ग्रहस्थ्य is not without its risks and temptations. Righteous as he may be, the man may fall into the temptation of amassing wealth for its own sake – shown in the video as redhead Avril being the original girlfriend. Yet, Lakshmi is illusion and maya, and Lakshmi for her own sake will lead to man straying off the path of dharma and being swayed over by tamasic forces. At this point we see the entrance of Kali, who through violence, destruction and misfortune, shows man the ephemeral and illusory nature of wealth. It is only when wealth has been completely and utterly subjugated by destruction and renewal – depicted in the video as brunette Avril despatching redhead Avril with a golf ball (the underlying metaphor of success choking on its own trappings is obvious) – that man can renounce the material world and move to spiritual awareness.

Yet, at the end of the video it is not brunette Avril who walks away with malesexobject, but blonde Avril. It is the triumph of Saraswati, not Kali. Showing us that Kali is only an intermediate step on the journey of man – for only once the illusory trappings of wealth are destroyed can man attain the enlightenment that comes from true knowledge of the workings of the Universe- and thus he attains the feet of Saraswati.

How foolish I was to mock this song! ‘She’s like so whatever‘ – only now do I understand the inherent wisdom in this line – that whatever one may look at, it is merely an aspect or manifestation of the three-feminine-energies-in-one. ‘I think we should get together now‘ – what is this but a call to achieve a higher spiritual plane and union with the Divine?

This music video must go out far and wide. The spiritual awakening of the nation’s youth depends upon it.

1: I am indebted to Aishwarya for introducing me to the descriptor malesexobject. No other term fits the male lead quite as well.


Leave The Gun, Take the Meen Moily

June 22, 2007

Some arbit googling led to this wonderful page: a history of organized crime in the Indo-Canadian community.

Please note, that Indo-Canadian is somewhat misleading. It is very much Sardar-Canadian. And not just any Sardars but only Jatts. Even in Kaneda the Jatts have refused to let the Paapes join in the fun.

I read on Sepia Mutiny once that Vancouver is the only city outside India where the local organized crime syndicate is run by Indians. While the thought of the Sardar mafia running Vancouver is interesting in and of itself, what is far more interesting is the dog that didn’t bark: why is Vancouver the only city, and why are Jatts the only immigrant community to set up a mafia? One has to ask – what the hell are the Mallus doing?

Consider the facts. True, Sardars dominate migration to Canada. But the Mallus are even further ahead when it comes to migration to the Gulf. Why is there no Mallu mafia in Abu Dhabi? Why does a Google search for Malayali organized crime throw up no worthwhile results? Are all the Mallus law-abiding? Or is the truth more sinister: nobody dares to talk about the Mallu mafia.

I quite like the idea of a Mallu mafia. The Don would of course be one of those grave, portly Mallus, all moustache and gold bangles and black suit and sunglasses. He would be flanked by his enforcers, who would be muscular and lungi-clad and would go to Kerala to dance in paddy fields while surrounded by Mallu maidens on their breaks from beating up laundry owners. It is really quite pleasing to imagine.


Signs That Make No Sense But Rock II

May 7, 2007

Space Residents Welfare Association

Hey, I think I know some of the members!


बाबूजी धीरे चलना

May 1, 2007

I had had a particularly heavy lunch the other day, and needed to settle my stomach. I went over to Residency Road for a paan. To my surprise, I found that my old friend Akshay the Jhakaas Paanwala had set up a paan stall there.

‘What are you doing in Bangalore?’ I asked. ‘I thought you ran everything out of Delhi.’

‘I want to stay south of the Vindhyas for a while,’ he said. ‘It’s safer for me to monitor the situation from outside North India for now. I’m dealing with ruthless people.’

I gasped. ‘What situation?’

‘The Babubhai Katara situation,’ said Akshay, rolling out a meethaa without supaari. ‘It’s best for me to lay low until I know my life is no longer under threat.’

‘The Babubhai Katara situation is endangering your life?’ I asked incredulously. ‘But how? And why?’

He looked at me angrily. ‘It’s a conspiracy, you fool. And the people behind it won’t have any compunctions about killing anybody who gets too close to the truth.’

‘But who’s behind it?’

They are.’

‘Not them?!’

‘Yes, them. I know that they’re behind it. They know I know. But they don’t know how much I know or can prove, and so it’s not worth their while to hunt me down. So I’m staying in Bangalore and letting my more discreet operatives monitor them.’

‘But do you know why they did it?’

‘Have another paan,’ said Akshay. ‘I’ll give you all the details.’

I handed over thirty rupees, and he got to work preparing his secret mixture, talking in a low undertone all the while.

‘It’s so obvious that the whole human trafficking angle to the story is a hoax,’ said Akshay. ‘They orchestrated it very carefully to make it look like Babubhai was up to far worse than just going off to London with his girlfriend. But honestly, when you examine the evidence carefully, the human trafficking just doesn’t fit.’

‘Why not?’

‘It’s inconceivable that a BJP MP from Gujjuland could sink to human trafficking.’

‘Gujju MPs are hardly paragons of virtue. Why wouldn’t they sink to human trafficking?’

‘That’s my whole point, you moron. Gujju MPs would consider trafficking beneath their dignity. It’s for the small fry like municipal councillors. They concern themselves with the more important stuff like murders and pogromming.’

‘You have a point there,’ I said thoughtfully. ‘So according to you Babubhai was innocent and is being framed?’

‘Obviously. They are trying to obscure the true significance of Babubhai’s journey behind a smokescreen of lies.’

‘But what is the true significance?’

‘It’s staring you in the face,’ said Akshay. ‘Didn’t you notice the most remarkable thing about the whole affair?’

‘What was it?’

‘That Babubhai was traveling with only two other people.’

‘That’s remarkable?’

‘Of course it is, idiot. When was the last time you ever saw a Gujju traveling with only two other people. Normally they move in battalions. Especially when they’re going abroad.’

‘You have a point there,’ I said thoughtfully, remembering the time I had stepped into a restroom at Changi Airport only to discover that it had been colonised by a party of twenty Gujjus. ‘But what is it to them if Babubhai breaks the Gujju mould.’

‘What do you mean, what is it to them? Their whole agenda depends on preserving Gujju culture as it is. Babubhai is nothing less than a hero for breaking free of two thousand years of Gujju tradition. What he started might have become an epidemic. They couldn’t tolerate it.’

‘But why?’

‘Do I have to spell everything out? What Babubhai started yesterday, two Gujjus might continue today. If it kept on, eventually all of Gujjuland might have been holidaying without their extended family. The Gujju joint family would break down. The market for Ekta Kapoor soaps would wither away and die, and their insidious hold on us through mind-liquefying TV programming would be shattered. No wonder they couldn’t tolerate it.’

‘And they smeared Babubhai just for that reason?’

‘Obviously. They had to make it look as if the only reason a Gujju would travel without twenty other Gujjus was to commit a criminal act.’

I drew my breath in, shocked at the extent of the conspiracy. ‘So what are you going to do about it?’

‘Nothing,’ said Akshay grimly. ‘Their hold on the media is too strong. They’ve already spun the story beyond the point where nobody will ever believe the truth.’

‘I believe the truth.’

‘You don’t count. All we can do now is hope. Hope that someday, soon, another Gujju will go abroad with just a couple of close friends. And that he slips under their radar. And that more Gujjus will follow, and that they lose their stranglehold on our culture.’

‘I do hope.’

‘Good stuff,’ said Akshay. ‘Now pay for the damn paan.’


Twisted Shout: How Shilpa Shetty Got Kissed

April 17, 2007

Our correspondents from all over now report.

Delhi: The national capital witnessed protests against the kiss, organised and led by the Patparganj Punjabi Aunties Association. Asked for a comment, PPAA Secretary General Sheenu Chadha said: ‘Richard Gere has hurt the sentiments of North Indians. How can he come to India and kiss an ugly Madrasi like Shilpa Shetty? Doesn’t he know Punjabi women are the most beautiful? Look at Juhi Chawla, Kareena Kapoor, and Neetu Singh. He should apologise.’

Vadodara: Local social worker Jignesh Shah was at the forefront of protests in Gujjuland. Speaking to reporters at a press conference, Shah said:

‘You all must remember this
a kiss is not just a kiss
a sigh is not just a sigh
The fundamentalist things apply
Richard Gere must die.’

Asked what concrete steps he would take going forward, Shah said that he would file a PIL seeking a stay against Western culture.

Tirupur: Mr. K Sivapathi, managing director of Padma Flag and Effigy Works, said that the controversy had come at the wrong time for the company. ‘We were already utilising maximum capacity thanks to the Jade Goody episode. After the national anthem controversy we had to subcontract effigies of Narayana Murthy out for jobwork. Now we will have to give Richard Gere effigies to jobworkers also which will hurt our margins. We would like to go in for capacity expansion to solve the problem but the high interest rates are making it difficult.’

Kolkata: Support for the kiss came from unexpected quarters. Nitish Singhania, President of the La Martinere’s Boys School’s Interact Club, praised the kiss and said it was an excellent way to spread AIDS awareness, adding ‘The LMB Interact Club is going to encourage all Marts students to kiss each other to raise awareness of AIDS.’ When reminded that none of the LMB students are Shilpa Shetty, or female for that matter, Singhanina replied ‘So?’.

Copenhagen: Danish band Legodeath also came out in support of the kissers. Band frontsman Lars presented the rough outline of a new song on the controversy:

who he will kiss
and
who she will kiss
does it matter
to you?
to me?
only their choice
not mine
not yours
we can only long
for all
and only
important
the kiss
of Sweet Death
someday
when will it come?

Tucson, Arizona: Rahul Raguram had no comment on the kiss, but praised Legodeath for creating the new genre of Scandinavian Death Smooch Goth.


The World is a Weird Place

April 14, 2007

Three links.

First, via Pharyngula, I discover the worst fantasy story in the world. As the transcriptor writes:

No mere transcription can give the true flavor of the original printing of The Eye of Argon. It was mimeographed with stencils cut on an elite manual typewriter. Many letters were so faint as to be barely readable, others were overstruck, and some that were to be removed never got painted out with correction fluid. Usually, only one space separated sentences, while paragraphs were separated by a blank line and were indented ten spaces. Many words were grotesquely hyphenated. And there were illustrations — I cannot do them justice in mere words, but they were a match for the text.

I can vouch for that. Here’s just one sample:

A gaunt skull faced priest standing at the far side of the altar clutched desperately at his throat, coughing furiously in an attempt to catch his breath. Lurching helplessly to and fro, the acolyte pitched headlong against the gleaming base of a massive jade idol. Writhing agonizedly against the hideous image, foam flecking his chalk white lips, the priest struggled helplessly – – – the victim of an epileptic siezure.

Startled by the barbarians stunning appearance, the chronic fit of their fellow, and the fear that Grignr might be the avantgarde of a conquering force dedicated to the cause of destroying their degenerated cult, the saman momentarily lost their composure. Giving vent to heedless pandemonium, the priests fell easy prey to Grignr’s sweeping arc of crimsoned death and maiming distruction.

Stunning, no?

Next, via DealBreaker, I find what is rumoured to be the HSBC Company Song (mp3, 2.77 MB). Lyrics:

 Let’s live it!
H! S! B! C! Live it!

We have the HSBC vision
putting what we’ve learned into action

With focus and commitment
for our customers through passion
Let’s stay number one
With a vision we will run
With a strategy and energy
Together we will be
HSBC you and me 

I’m sorry, I can’t go on further. But I’m overjoyed. Go HSBC! What is an extra billion and a half dollars in bad debt provisioning compared to the might of your company song?

Last up, the Simon World blogpost on Nail Houses. Some developer tried to acquire houses, but one guy refused to sell. Check out the picture, you’ll understand.