I saw Spider-man 2 last week. You might point out that I’ve seen it about a year late. You would be right. But I’m going to write about it anyway.
There are many good things about Spider-Man 2: J Jonah Jameson saying “Tell her not to open the caviar”, Aunt May whacking Doc Ock with her umbrella, and the Dr. Curt Connor’s presence. But none of these is the second-best thing. No, that is an honour reserved for Kirsten Dunst’s nipples.
Kirsten Dunst’s nipples in the last battle scene had the same effect on me that Bernice Lavine (was it Bernice Lavine? Definitely a very similar sounding name)’s left nipple had on Israel Goodkind in Inside, Outside. For the next two days, I walked about a happy and content man. I glowed with the joy those nipples provided me. Until Aarthi told me that they were fake, and my world came crashing down around me.
There are two reasons I found the news about the nipples being fake that particularly depressed me.
Firstly, its the thought that Columbia Pictures gave Kirsten Dunst fake nipples, and fake red hair, but couldn’t be bothered to give her fake green eyes. All that effort, and when it came to the crunch, they sputtered and gave up.
Now, don’t get me wrong. A black Kingpin is a sophisticated updating of the Daredevil mythos. The Batmobile being a tank instead of a car is welcome experimentation. But Mary Jane Watson with brown eyes is an intolerable desecration of a well-loved character.
The second reason is that I thought that my long streak of fantasizing about women who were not strictly corporeal had ended. After all, in the past nine months, the women I have developed crushes on have either been drawn by Jim Lee:
or by P Craig Russel:
or by Mike Deodato, Jr:
and even if they’re more animate, have been rendered by Square Enix:
and now it turns out that those nipples were as imaginary as all these. It’s hard, I tell you. Hard.1
Well, enough of that. Let’s move on to the best thing about Spider-Man 2.
The best thing about Spider-Man 2 is that for all practical purposes a 21st century example of Bastiat’s essay on what is seen and not seen.
See, there was this French economist called Fr