Harbhajan Under the Hindi Jackboot

February 8, 2008

Nobody has noticed the most sinister aspect of the whole Harbhajan-Symonds-Monkey-Maa Ki controversy.

Why would Harbhajan say ‘तेरी मां की’ (terii maa kii) at all? As a true son of Punjab, manly and virile, he should have said ‘ਤੇਰੀ ਮਾਂ ਦੀ!’ (terii maa dii).

I can only conclude that in the Indian cricket team too, the jackboot of Hindi imperialism has come crushing down on regional languages, so that now poor Bhajji is no longer allowed to even swear in his mother tongue.

Punjab, my Punjab! How long will we endure the oppression of the Allahbadis? The time has come to throw off their yoke.

More Fuel on the Mommyblog Fire

January 8, 2008

Two points:

First, Falstaff is a cheap guy. He talks about Coase and childfree-airline tickets without referencing me.

Second, a more important point about mommyblogs in general.

I’ve been discussing this point with junta, and the consensus seems to be that kids will become irritating when they are given too much attention. The more attention a kid gets from its parents, the more it thinks of itself. It becomes spoilt, throws tantrums, and eventually the Kansa Society has to be called in.

This is also probably the reason why kids in Delhi and Chennai are the worst behaved. They’re brought up in environments full of doting female relatives. Jobless doting female relatives, who do nothing but stay at home. In the case of Chennai, because they actually are unemployed, and in the case of Delhi, because employment for Delhi women usually means fraud stay-at-home stuff like garment designing. With non-stop attention lavished upon it, the kid becomes a monster. While in Bombay, both the parents are off at work, the kid has to fend for itself, and grows up a clean and sober Goregaon type personality, with excellent social skills, and a bindaas attitude. In my months in Bombay, I saw Gujew aunties abusing Landmark for stocking books. I saw people expectorating with enthusiasm. I saw Jain monks in a fistfight. But I never saw kids throwing tantrums.

I have seen this with my own nephews and nieces also. The one who curls up with a Roald Dahl and generally doesn’t talk is the one whose parents are a doctor and a physiotherapist, and who therefore hardly see him. On the other hand, the Nephew Who Bites has lived his entire life with a stay-at-home mother, a stay-at-home grandmother, a drop-in-practically-ceaselessly grandmother, and a father who is an ameer-baap-ki-bigdi-aulaad, and so doesn’t need to work. Between these extremes, I have a soft-spoken and well-behaved niece whose parents run the nine-to-five gamut. And where I’m concerned, Ma and Papa used to just leave me alone and whack me every once in a while, and I am now a model of manners, rectitude, decency and sobriety. So much so, that people refuse to believe that I’m Punjabi.

Anyway, the point of all this is that a surplus of attention turns kids into monsters, fit only for slaughter by the Kansa Society.

And when it comes to giving kids too much attention, mommyblogging is the pinnacle. Think about it. You devote an entire blog to the kid, and nothing but the kid. And while in the normal course of things, the kid forgets the attention it gets as an infant, here the attention is public, archived, and up to be accessed at will. The Little Emperor generation created by the Chinese one-child policy will be as nothing compared to the generation created by mommyblogging. Legions of spoilt brats will stalk the nation, thinking too much of themselves.

Mommybloggers have a lot to answer for.

Not Quite Parallel

November 14, 2007

Over SMS, BJ asks:

Aaloo paratha is to a punjoo like curd rice to a tambrahm agree?

Not really. As TCA Srinivasa-Raghavan pointed out, for TamBrahms curd rice is both necessary and sufficient1. However for Punjews aaloo parathas are only sufficient2, since they can be replaced by mooli parathas, gobi parathas, or makki di roti.

Put another way, you cannot be TamBrahm if you do not eat curd rice. You can be a Punjew even if you don’t eat aaloo parathas, as long as you eat makki di roti instead.

1: He was drawing an analogy to how Indian economists treat statistical jugglery.
2: Provided they are two number aaloo parathas.

Punjab is Oppressed Yet Again

November 2, 2007

I saw the first half of Jab We Met yesterday with my office team before leaving for the Landmark Quiz.

It is disgusting. All the characters pronounce ਬਠਿਂਡਾ (BaTthinDda) as ਭਟਿਂਡਾ (BbhaTtinda).

Such affronts to the great Punjabi nation cannot be tolerated. This is a systematic conspiracy by the Gujews who run Shree  Ashtavinayak Cine Vision to denigrate our language and reduce our glorious culture to a mere caricature. I call upon the Lashkar-e-Khalsa and the Jaish-e-Jatt to ransack all  theatres showing this horrible movie.

The Loins of Punjab

October 22, 2007

A government study has discovered that Punjab has the most obese women in India.

I, of course, had blogged about this more than four years ago, in what was the first instance of the phrase ‘two number aloo parathas’ making it to the web:

The average Punjabi believes that the full-fledged, genuine Punjabi peasant girl is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. In this matter I find myself in disagreement with the average Punjabi. The full-fledged, genuine Punjabi peasant girl, after a lifetime of tucking into “two numbers aloo paranthas” and very often even more for breakfast, is the possessor of several cubic metres of backside, and usually has more facial hair than the average Punjabi peasant boy.

Rediff link via BRacket from Chan Da Man. Oh, and all posts from March 2003 are now on WordPress.

शिव सेना की agency ले रखी

October 14, 2007

Kodhi sends forward not one, but two unmitigated links.

First, the evolution of M&Ms using artificial selection.

Second, an mp3 of a Goregaon-types woman talking to a Goregaon-types guy and contemplating breakup. Please note that it is Not Safe For Work, and it is also in Indhi.

(Some people will point out that the mp3 is about people from Kandivili and not Goregaon.  But a Goregaon-type is anyone from Maharashtra who is not from South Bombay.)

The Yellow Peril

September 15, 2007

Bwahahahaha. This is brilliant:

Link via Popagandhi.

I Am Tam

September 14, 2007

It’s official. My loyal readers no longer make any distinction between me and other Tam stalwarts like Chandru, Chenthil, Anti, or Ammani.

Forward the New Chozha Empire!

Attention Dear Readers

April 21, 2007

Please note that I am giving up Punjabi self-loathing. I am taking up Punjabi victimhood instead.

The reasons for this will become clear over the next three or four months (since that is how long it takes me to write a series of posts).